TW-diet talk, miscarriage mention, talk of trying to conceive, doctors/health stuff.

So, the big dietary changes have begun in regard to this post. I have come to realize that I use dairy as a comfort food. I can cut processed carbs like a champ, but you take my string cheese/parmesan/butter/creamy sauces and well, apparently it involves a lot of frustration, some tears, and eating quite a few more carbs to compensate for the comfort that dairy gives me. I don’t think dairy is an inflammation trigger for me. I’m not a doctor, but I am beginning to wonder if my digestive issues/inflammation couldn’t be related to hormones. When I was pregnant my digestive issues vanished, they have been slowly creeping back in ever since I lost the pregnancy. They are also seemingly 100% random. I can’t pinpoint any kind of pattern, it’s maddening. I am going to ask my doctor about this when I see her next. I will continue with no dairy until then, which is a shit sandwich full of shit. I miss my cow juice products :(

I think I ovulated on Saturday. I say think because my mind isn’t ready to accept that I can readily get pregnant. I am still expecting a whole slew of problems with conceiving. Also my body is weird. Just to go full TMI I was spotting(my doc said to consider the spotting to be my first period after miscarrying) about a week before I think I ovulated, so it would be weird to ovulate on day 6-7 of my cycle. I spotted really light brown on Friday(which could have been ovulation bleeding...at the time I was just like “WTF? Spotting again??”), and then Saturday it appears that I had a positive ovulation test(they can be notoriously finicky, thus the unsureness). Also, all kinds of “egg white” cervical mucous was present.

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I do see that something is changing with my body. I’ve been getting acne that I’ve never really had before. It’s not terrible but I rarely if ever get zits when I’m regularly washing my face and now I usually have a zit somewhere on my face regardless of my routine. I imagine this is hormone related. I hope it doesn’t last. I’ve been continuing to feel really good and energetic as opposed to foggy and lethargic a lot of the time. The wait to take a pregnancy test is absolute agony. I’ve been testing every day because I have incredibly inexpensive tests, but I know it can’t really be positive until 9 days after ovulation, I’m at day 3, I feel insane admitting that I’m taking pregnancy tests. Again, I am having a hard time getting any hopes up. I am terrified of getting excited about anything, especially after last time.

I am terrified and excited about the possibility that I could be pregnant. I know for a fact I won’t be getting my hopes up for anything until I’m at least 12 weeks along this time. I hate all of this fear, but I don’t know how to feel any other way in regard to all of this. I am terrified of it not working out. I feel like that terrified feeling won’t go away ever. Until the day comes that I have to accept I can’t have a kid, I’m not sure that another day will go by in which I don’t feel this terror. Even after I’m pregnant, even after they’re born, the world is a terrifying place you guys! So many bad things can happen, and I’m convinced they will all happen to me/mine, because I fear if I don’t expect the worst I’ll absolutely fall apart when it inevitably happens.

Thanks GT, for giving me a place in which I can simultaneously catalogue my thoughts/feelings about this process while receiving feedback and support from the community. You are all so awesome.