Yesterday was hard. It got better once big bird came home with peep and I could focus on her for a little bit. After she went to sleep we sat down to talk about how his therapy session went. I was initially worried he wouldn't like the therapist so he'd just think everything she said was bullshit. He likes her though and it was embarrassing the amount of stuff he was able to bring up like it was no problem at his first session when I hadn't even mentioned a lot of it to her and I've been seeing her for almost 2 months.
She reminded him that he needed to make self care time for himself. And that he should treat my illness as a separate entity from me. It sounds like he blames me when really he is frustrated with the illness. He's also supposed to call me out when my depression is making me say negative things, call my dad and tell him I'm not doing as well as I make it seem, get me out of the house, and we both have to cut back on the weed. She pointed out that cannabis can actually make anxiety worse. Which I've known but it's the only thing getting me thru my day at this point.
I think the thought of having to open and honest with my dad, quitting my crutch, telling big bird about my assaults, having to think about being social in the real world it's just all too much. And I'm really scared. And I'm really not sure if I can do all or any of these things. I don't like failing but the anxiety and fear I get when I think about opening up to people is frightening. I've even noticed I can't be completely open on GT anymore since I've gotten to know a lot of you. I don't want to be a burden to my friends. I guess you guys count now. Seeing people model self confidence makes me 1) hate them a little bit and 2) know that I will never be at that point ever. I don't think I've liked myself since I was 15, how am I supposed to start now?
Big bird wants to ask more questions about the assaults but he doesn't want to pry. He can be a little insensitive when he is uncomfortable. (Like when he said "so my dick wasn't the first dick in your mouth then?" or "I can still shove your head down onto my cock right?") I just calmly told him I didn't count that incident and obviously if I didn't like something he was doing I'd tell him. I think he got the hint that I wasn't ready to joke about it. Honestly I don't want to answer more questions, I don't want to explain myself. I'm kind of regretting opening my mouth about it.
So we have some homework and I have an individual and joint session with the therapist next week. Not looking forward to my birthday Sunday either. It'll just be another reminder that all of my old friends don't care about me anymore.