This has nothing to do with feminism. But I'm so darn happy I wanted to share it!
If you've seen my posts you know that I'm:
1. A lot depressed.
2. And I blamed my unhappiness with life on my inability to find someone who liked me enough to be in a relationship with me.
Well, I recently decided that I was going to give up and die alone; loneliness is better than feeling shitty about being rejected. Then, because I can't ever seem to stick to the lonely road, I got rejected again. (This has happened several times). I got rejected, but I'm very used to that now; "rejected" is pretty much the summary of my lovelife. However, something that the woman who rejected me said stuck with me, and made me realize why I'm actually depressed. It was simple, and had nothing to do with relationships.
Side note: rejection as therapy, not recommended.
I'm unhappy because I don't do anything that I love doing. Nothing. I quit everything that I ever enjoyed doing. I spend my days after work watching Netflix and hating my life. (Not to say Netflix is bad, just that deep down I know I don't enjoy watching TV shows as a hobby). I've spent years looking for a relationship, and forgot how to live while I was doing it. So here's my list of things that I want to take up again:
- Gardening: I gave it up when I moved to a place I couldn't grow anything. I never took it back up again, even though I can have a garden where I live now.
- Reading: I last read a book when I had my last kindle. That was several years ago. I lost that kindle, and never bought another one or went to the library.
- Hang Gliding: I gave this up when I lost access to free hang gliding lessons and free hang gliders. (My school was awesome)
- Backpacking/camping/hiking/outdoorsy stuff: I just never had the time anymore.
- Volunteering at nature reserves: I once wanted to do this for a living because I loved it so much. I moved away from all of them, but now I could do it again.
- Playing orchestral music: I stopped doing this when I transferred to a school with no orchestra. I miss it a lot.
- Balsa Modeling: I used to love this. I don't even know why I stopped.
I kid you not, yesterday I was bemoaning how much I hated living. Today I can't wait to get started clearing the weeds out of my backyard. I wasn't unhappy because I was alone. I wasn't unhappy because I had never been in a relationship. I wasn't unhappy because I'm the only virgin left of my friends. I wasn't unhappy because I'm unattractive. I wasn't unhappy for any of the reasons I thought I was.
I was unhappy because I didn't enjoy my life anymore. That's what I needed to fix. Granted, all those things suck. I hate being the last one to be picked, the last one on the wall. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I still feel like I've missed what was supposed to be the best part of my life, that everyone else has had an experience that I'll never have. I'll still feel incredibly socially inadequate because everyone says men aren't supposed to be inexperienced, and I'll still feel like women, most of whom are more experienced than I am obviously, will laugh at me for it. It doesn't help that my friends tell me to lie about it; that just confirms my suspicions. But I was happy a few years ago and I was in the same situation. There's no reason I can't be happy like that again. I would still like to at least be kissed by someone before I turn 24 though; that I haven't by now is just hilariously embarrassing.
It's stupid, and I probably should have just gone to therapy like more than a few GTers suggested to me, but I'm feeling really hopeful right now! I just want my life back. (I'd still take a do-over of the past 7 years though, if anyone knows a friend with a time machine.) Sorry for being so depressive for such a long time GT! I think things are looking up for me.
Cute kitties, because fluffy: