I hired a nutritionist. I am excited. I think this is going to be the thing that helps. I have gained about 50 lbs in about two years, due to depression. I cannot seem to reverse it without wanting to just lay down and die. I have stayed at this size about the past 9 months.

Let me preface this by saying...

I believe in beautiful at any weight. I can't say this isn't coming A LITTLE from a place of vanity, but I don't really feel UGLY in my new body. I would be ok if I looked like, this, but felt better. But I see all my past problems when I look at myself and my weight. It is just is not me. I don't feel like ME inside of here. It was a rapid weight gain, and it didn't come from a place of happiness. My depression has subsided but I have this reminder of its after effects. It makes me feel like I haven't really healed, like it is clinging to me.

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I believe in healthy at any weight. But that doesn't describe me. I am in poor health. I eat somewhat healthy, I am somewhat active (not as much as I used to be), but I feel terrible. My skin looks terrible. I have very little energy. I get winded on a flight of stairs. My skin is sagging and I look tired. "Healthy at any weight" describes me, at a different weight.

It's no secret why I gained the weight - I ate my feelings, and they came in the form of pizza and french fries and shit that I never normally ate. It wasn't me. I ate my feelings, now they are on my body, and I want them gone.

I am on the verge of needing all new clothes. Just a few more pounds and I'm going to go into plus size. I can't afford new clothes. I want to wear my old clothes. I want to feel good in a costume. There is nothing worse than constantly readjusting clothes that are too tight for you, but that you once loved.

I am particularly upset about a pair of knee-high boots.

I thought a nutritionist was a thing for people too stupid to eat right

Well, how many more years do I have to continue to eat veggies and lean meat, lay off partying and sit out of going out to eat, only to stay EXACTLY the same size? I am not too stupid to eat right. I don't have a thyroid problem. I just have never wanted to lose weight before.

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What made me consider it was that my bosses (who work in a different office than me) hired a nutritionist at a group rate for their whole office. They are both quite thin and I rolled my eyes, thinking of the times where they were doing Master Cleanse or gave up carbs. When I had lunch with them the other day, and they started talking about it, I realized that this guy they found was helping everyone to get fit and healthier. They had more energy - they were eating more and felt fuller. They were eating carbs. CARBS! That might have been what sold me on checking this out.

I used to say, "I know all the right answers but I just can't seem to execute" when it comes to losing weight. Well, I know the right answers if the right answers are deprivation and unhappiness. My body has always struggled to keep weight off - but I had the answers to maintain my previous weights. I don't have the answer to lose, and for it to be sustainable, and for it to be healthy.

So what are this guy's answers?

I went to a consultation yesterday

I was adamant that this had to come from a place of positivity - I have too much negativity in my life. I am not willing to pick myself apart and feel like shit. It was going to be a no-go if I felt like he was not on my page here.

I walk in, and he is clearly a retired body builder. I think, OH GREAT. He's going to be one of those insufferable people I can't relate to.

One of the first things he said was, "this is not the place to come if you're going to obsess over some little cellulite under your butt." I instantly thought, GOOD BECAUSE I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE THAT. And I only do that when I am around others who do, like my mother. That's not me.

I was alarmed at how quickly he made me step on a scale, and pinched me with some fat pincher things. It would have been more torturous but I am pretty self aware. I know where I'm at. That's why I'm here.

He made some guesses about me, that were spot on:

  • "Let me guess, you drink lots of water some days, and none other days." Yep. I drink water if my water bottle at work is sitting near me.
  • "You eat a small breakfast, sometimes, and a sizeable lunch and dinner. You don't snack." Yep. I don't have time (although I imagine I'll have to make time with him).
  • "You eat a lot of salads with beans or chicken, and fruit." Yes! Yes! Why am I not losing weight!
  • "You are sort of active but get very tired at the gym." Yes yes yes yes yes.

I went in skeptical but he had already won me over; he knew what was going on with me. He's seen it a million times. He said, "unless you have a thyroid problem, we're going to get you healthy again."

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He estimated my body fat and lean mass. He said that my metabolism has probably crashed, based on how little lean mass it is. He said that eating my healthy salads and shit won't help me because my metabolism will keep falling. As my metabolism falls, exercise will be harder. And I'll be fat my whole life and never know why. He's going to help me kick start it by making me eat more.

What really sold me

Was that he never told me what an ideal weight is for me. I'm sure he knows - it's that he set a goal for the end of our 12 week program that is not an end goal. He said, "we're going to try to get you here by the end of 12 weeks" which would average about 2 lbs per week, but he was more focused on the body fat. He said, "at that point, we'll re-evaluate our goals and go from there."

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But the big thing he said that made me feel confident this is a good idea: "My job is to get you healthy. We are not going to talk about your pants size or your 'problem areas' because this is about how you feel." He told me he was not going to let any talk about how I look drive the conversation or goals.

When I reach a healthy size, what I look like when I land is where I should stay, I believe.

I'm going to get a daily meal plan and a somewhat vague fitness regimen. Most excitingly, I get to have a weekly meeting with this guy and he will CHANGE the plan per week. It is like having a coach to hold my hand through this - to share the accountability in getting myself better.

I'm going to probably document my progress in some way, mostly for me.