WARNING – long rambly rant about my marriage/sex woes. No Mainpage, No Bills Posted.
HERE IS THE SITUATION ABOUT THE SITUATION: My husband has been through a lot in the last two years. His mom died in early 2012 and he was her power of attorney/legal whatever so he had to deal with all of the details of his mom’s death, basically (like everything, dying brings a shit ton of paperwork. Beetlejuice was right!). He was in the middle of his senior year of his bachelors, is 39, and I work at a high motha fuckin’ stress job. He graduated in December of that year, had some sort of mental breakdown, Then had 9 months off before entering Ye Olde Prestigious University (that is not Ivy League, but it’s price tag begs to differ) for a psychiatric nurse practioner degree. He has had a fuck ton to deal with. I have had a fuck ton to deal with, because I have been running our household for the better of the last two years. I have no time to myself at all – it feels like every thing I do is for someone else, or because I HAVE to. I have had ENOUGH. OF. IT.
My psychatrist upped my antidepressant, and I’m back in therapy. My husband’s stress is temporarily relieved tomorrow after his last final for the semester, then he has THREE WEEKS OFF WITH NO WORK. Oh my gawd, I cannot imagine that much time to myself. I would turn into Peg Bundy just to see what eating bon bons on the couch is like.
Among many things with which I am tired of putting up with, we have not had sex since September. Or October? THAT IS HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN. I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER.
I AM SO HORNY AND HE LIKE HAS ZERO SEX DRIVE. Obviously, I feel strongly, here. I have talked about this in therapy, and my therapist is awesome because she treats this as a BIG DEAL. So I went home before Thanksgiving with the assignment to ask for one night a week sex appointment. His reply was, “That sounds like a…reasonable request.” Like I was asking him to do the dishes once a week, or print out a W2. That answer, and tone, did not sit right with me. So I pushed him on it and he said something like, “I am not saying this is the situation at all, but if I was to say that I had no interest in sex at all, would that be a deal breaker?”
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?
YES IT IS. That was even my response. Like I yelled, almost before he finished the sentence. We agreed to be monogamous and shit, that was in fact part of the package deal for us, my friend. If I cannot have bone with you, I am not okay never having sex again for the rest of my life. I may be out of shape and fat, but I will keep trying till I can find some ass. I HAVE NEEDS.
So for like the first few days, I felt all bad ass because I said what I wanted to say exactly how I wanted to say it for once. I ended the conversation with something like, “Having regular sex is the short term solution. I need you to want to like sex again. I need you to participate. I need you invested.” So I felt pretty good about being heard and making an impact.
Of course, he has not really come out and said anything since. And I have been afraid to bring it up because I cannot stand being disappointed and rejected again. I can’t take even a bit of hesitation on his part to be with me. Either you are in and committed to making this work for both of us, or you are not. He is dealing with finals though, and like tomorrow is his last day. And I finally was able to get back in with my therapist. And she said this whole “not wanting sex and not caring” is like a red flag. Wait, where did my caps lock go? BIG RED FLAG TIME! She asked if he maybe used too much pornography (actually I am probably looking at more porn than he is these days). Or if he could possibly cheat. Actually I’m not sure if she asked that or not explicitly. I know everyone says this but I don’t think either of these things are it. I just don’t. I think the death of his mom broke him a little, and he still hasn’t gotten all taped back together yet. Bur I’m still really resentful because I think I have not been insisting on any compromises or anything that could make my life easier at all. We both get lost in our computers and phones and stuff. And we have a 6 year old who is awesome but Very Smart and takes a lot of damn attention to like parent. Or just be around. Children are like part uranium or something, right? HOLY FUCKBALLS THIS IS WAY LONGER THAN IT SHOULD BE. I am chatty y’all. I am DYING to talk to him about all this because my therapist told me to try to stay positive and not be accusatory but I have to bring it up, and it would be better to bring it up tomorrow night after he is done with finals. And that is probably right. But I am all anxious right now and like feel weird about him because I have all this STUFF in my head I want to almost throw at him. Gawd I just want him to like pay attention to me and like help and stuff. Participate. I give great Participation Awards.
But I need to cool my heels and wait so I am now belching my trouble to the internet. Please send cute gifs or funny things or things that have nothing to do with sex because oh god I am so pent up. O MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT. So I was masturbating, as a horny housewife is wont to do, and I thought that he was going to be upstairs awhile, so I had the lights on in the bedroom, porn blasting on the laptop, and he comes through the bedroom door and sees me doin’ it. He says “Carry on” and then jets to the bathroom to take a bath. I am MORTIFIED because apparently there is still a part of my brain that thinks it is shameful to get caught masturbating. Then I think “He DID say carry on, so…” Alas, the mojo was dead and I could not get There. So now this has ruined my actual sex life, AND my pretend sex life. All the talk of dick and sex and stuff is NOT HELPING, PEOPLE. I need some wholesome distraction. Thank you. Please send cute things STAT!