I haven't talked about this very much on here, other than a few asides, but my oldest son has been having some pretty serious problems. Mental heath-wise, school-wise, girl-related... he's really been struggling under a heavy load for a kid.
Today, he had a therapy appointment at 9am. Just his regular, bi-weekly appointment. By 11am, we were on our way to the inpatient facility 45 minutes away. 8 1/2 hours later, I left my baby in a locked ward for an indefinite time period. I feel both guilty and relieved.
He had told his therapist that he had several plans for suicide, and had the means to carry them out, he just hadn't found the will to do it. Yet. We had been discussing getting him into a day treatment program, but after that discussion, it was straight to the ER and into a psych ward. He went voluntarily, though he was definitely wondering what he'd got himself into by the time we had to leave him there.
I am very, very grateful that I didn't have to handle all of this alone. Husband and Other-Husband drove us out there, O-H's mom babysat our younger kids once they got home, and various friends and family kept up with us via text. Guys, I love every single one of you (I know a couple of you are out there!)
I am exhausted, but I can't sleep. I want to call and see how he's doing (the nurse said we can call 24 hours), but I kind of don't want to, because if they say he's been crying or something, it'll kill me that he's alone. I don't know. Is it better to know or to wonder? Either way, I can't change it now, and he is where he needs to be, no matter if he likes it or not. He needs help, and I can't give it to him.