I haven’t been around in ages. Work is terrible great. I’ve been given another promotion and raise but with it an incredible amount of work/responsibility. My boss is dangling more money in front of me but I’m not that person. I’ve never been one to care. Ive never sought workplace or career “success” or status and now that I have it I’m pretty sure I hate it. Id rather leave work at work and not spend extra hours at an office (I can’t tell you the last time I left at 5 and I’m in at least a half hour early every day). I’m emotionally drained and Im struggling to find compassion/empathy for clients. Husband has surgery and is being kept overnight. It isn’t a very serious surgery but I have an intense phobia of hospitalsand distrust doctors (i.e. panic attacks being at them or talking about blood or needles) which I’m doing better with (lots of therapy). I’m trying to get pregnant and it’s not happening. I’m angry because work is distracting me from remembering deadlines or following up on personal things including my husband’s surgery.

I feel like my entire stomach is an empty pit. My heart is racing all the time. For the past two days I’ve felt that dizzy high as though I were on the verge of a panic attack a almost non stop. I can’t seem to catch my breath. I feel completely deflated but I also feel like I’m about to explode. I’m exhausted and I can’t sleep.

I calmed myself by applying for other jobs.

Sorry for not being here forever and then just showing up to drop a steamy poop of anxiety spiral. I just need to push this off into the Internet and keep moving. I’ve vented to friends and loved ones irl but I don’t want them worrying about me and my anxiety any more than they already do.