I've only cried a couple times so far today. I woke up feeling refreshed from my night of margaritas and sex. I almost felt like the old Liz again. Almost. I've been able to pump 2 bottles of breast milk for Baby Haa today. She nursed last night with no problems, probably because I woke up with rock hard super engorged tits so milk practically shot out ala Katy Perry's whipped cream boob cannons. Still needed to supplement with a bottle of formula this afternoon while we went to the mall with my parents. Baby Haa got her first pictures with Santa. It was cute. I was strong in front of my parents and husband until we got home and now it's sinking in that she's had like 5 formula bottles in the past 3 days and we need to go buy another can of it. I don't want to commit to ordering a bunch of formula because it feels like admitting defeat and failure. I don't want formula to be what is best for my child. I want to be what is best for my child.

I appreciate everyone's concern. I plan on talking with my OB tomorrow about the severity of my depression this past week. I will call the hotlines you gave me if I need to talk tonight. I don't feel like I will ever be at peace with my inability to feed my child the way I wanted to. I've lost any and all confidence I had started to build these past 10 weeks as a mother. I can't do this you guys. I'm not mother material. She needs to nurse now but I have anxiety about her rejecting me so I want to just give up and have her take the bottle but I know that will only make everything worse in the long run. This is so hard and I am so supremely bad at this.