Having a difficult day. Here's a funny comic.
I was productive this morning and then while getting ready to nanny, I started to feel anxious and really sensitive about my body, clothes touching me, and the temperature outside.
I got puked on by the baby, but I don't take it personally.
On the way home and through the night, I get this massive storm of negative thoughts that sometimes make me feel like I've been punched in the gut. I felt like I was dragging myself back home and worse, that I couldn't handle the clusterfuck in my head.
I took my evening pills and doubled on the anti-anxiety but am still having a difficult time. I feel like hiding from the cats and my dog because I see them looking at me and I feel sickened and guilty that I'm their caretaker. I'm frustrated but apologizing at the same time.
The intrusive thoughts... they're very negative. A few years ago, I started not giving them a chance to form real sentences so it's emotional issues emerging from a fog and then going back. Claustrophobic. Everything tight. Feeling exposed. Damned my dog to this life and the suffering of this living apart thing Husband and I do. Cats needing me. Dog needing me. Husband needing me. I'm a mess and am decaying. My brain keeps getting slower and more distant from others and success. I've married wrong. I'm negative and wrong. I've thrown away every vague suggestion of success and am paying for it. The feelings are bad but I'm in the wrong for not pushing through it... because I know I could. I've done it once before. Sure it was a different time but I should be able to push through now. I'm a disappointment as my father and grandparents look down on me from Heaven. I have wasted every gift I have received.
So yeah! Stuff like that! Anyone have experience with those things? Or compulsive thinking?
(p.s. if I don't reply immediately it's because I'm walking the dog)