I just read this great article “written” by Hillary Clinton, 45th President of the United States, patriarchy smasher, bad motherfucker (parody, so they claim, but I’m willing to be convinced it came from Hillary herself).

Highlights include:

Well, you did it. You got rid of me. You don’t have to look at my pained smile or listen to my nagging voice anymore.

Congrats, everyone!

You put up with sixteen months of me lecturing you about dumb bullshit like, you know, policy ideas, and not being super fucking racist all the time. You watched three times on national TV as I had the nerve to make a man — a rich man — look foolish. Some of you even campaigned for me. Can you imagine? I made you campaign for me, instead of carrying the entire fucking country on my back in kitten heels.

and

First off, I’d like to extend a hearty fuck you to the national news media.

This is for spending more time talking about my emails than all policy issues combined. This is for outsourcing your headline writing to a racist grandpa’s Twitter feed for a year and a half. This is for constantly saying I “am flawed” or “have flaws” …… motherfucker name one!!! My fucking charity that gives HIV meds to poor people? Are you for real with this shit?

and

Next toast goes out to all the young people out there — yeah, you crazy kids! Sup millennials!

I actually want to apologize for not being as hip and trendy as you wanted. That was my bad. Misusing emojis and coming onstage to a Katy Perry song? So embarrassing!

But like, just for future reference, what did you want from me exactly? I mean I was definitely willing to try a lot of things. I’m just not really sure how to “reach out to you about issues that affect you personally” and also not be a “dishonest shill pandering for votes.” Any pointers would be super appreciated next time!!

and

None of you gave a fuck about my email server. None of you even knows what a fucking email server is or does. You were just waiting for any excuse — any excuse at all — to be like “yep, that’s why I hate that bitch.”

and

Just goes to show: In this country, if you want something, and you work your goddamn ass off for it, you can get really close and then smile stoically while they give it to some rich guy’s son.

and finally

Goodbye forever, America. You don’t deserve me.

Now leave me the fuck alone while I walk my dogs in silence for the next twenty years.