I don't really know who to turn to at this point. Mr. Haa has always been my sounding board but there's a lot of things I don't feel comfortable talking to him about and there are things with which he has no practical advice to give. So forgive me but I choose GT as the place to unload all these feelings bottled up in me.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant today and am starting to feel a) super fucking done with this pregnancy and b) overwhelmed at my lack of preparedness to bring a child into this world. My feet swell every day no matter how much water I drink or how long I prop them up. My hands have started to as well prompting me to purchase a chain to wear my wedding rings on since I've gotten dirty looks from olds at work who notice a lack of ring and an obvious bump. I miss drinking and smoking, I miss sushi. I miss being able to sleep without a thousand pillows keeping me in that one perfect position. I snore now.

My relationship with my body has been tenuous at best before my pregnancy. I'm really good at seeing all the parts of me I would like to fix and really bad at admitting the nice things about my body. My libido would ebb and flow with how I was feeling about myself. Now at 30 weeks I want sex and the intimacy it brings like no other but once we actually start all I can think about is how disgusting I must look. I can't get out of my head, making enjoyment of sex (and ultimately orgasm) impossible. Mr. Haa to his credit has been a real trooper throughout this and claims he isn't bothered by our lack of sex life for the time being. But I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, like I'm failing at being the perfect wife. If I can't be the perfect wife how will I ever be the perfect mother? Will I ever be able to accept my body again?

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There are a thousand and one other small non-pregnancy related things I'm dealing with too and it's all adding up to make me want to curl up into a ball in the corner and never see the light of day again. How am I going to handle being responsible for a tiny human if I don't even feel like I can take care of myself? I talked to my dad this afternoon and spent the entire conversation silently crying because of how stressed I felt but I couldn't bring myself to ask for his help/advice. My parents have always looked at me as the smart one, the responsible one, the one with her shit together. I feel like a failure at that too.