Ok. I posted the other day how I was having a hard time in life right now. I'd like to post about it because things are not getting better and I really do not have an outlet. Backstory- In the past year since my daughter was born I have reconnected with my mother because of my daughter. It was slow at first but we started talking everyday on the phone and she kind of turned into a support network. I live around no family or inlaws except for my deadbeat dad who lives 10 miles away but has only seen his granddaughter once. My mom was worried how her trip to Dallas was going to be because her daughter in law hates her. I offered to go so I could meet my nephew and my daughter could meet her cousin. My mom was appreciative.

Problem number one when we got there is that we got a hotel like 30 minutes from my brother and his family. And also, my brother did not bother to take time off of work when he'd be leaving his job after a week anyway. (They are moving to Portland). So, my brother got home at like 6 or 7 every night and wanted to meet up. And my daughter's bedtime is like at 7. My daughter got so off schedule and no one seemed to care or was willing to help me. I thought my mom was gonna help me with her but she did nothing but sleep through her cries and just smiled at her occasionally. Apparently, it is my fault because I should have expected her schedule being disrupted and I am not flexible because you know how flexible 10 months old are.

After 2 days things were going kinda crappy, my mom and I shared a hotel room but she wanted to sleep in till like 10 but I'd be waking up with the baby at 6am and dealing with her for 4 hours in a small hotel room with nothing to do. I couldn't walk or drive anywhere. The hotel had no amenities. We decided to meet up at a garage sale my sil was having to get the kids together. We ended up staying in the sun for 2 hours and then decided to get coffee and wait for her to finish up to have lunch. We waited like an hour with my brother and nephew and then went to a restaurant assuming she'd come along soon. We waited like an hour and a half for her to show up. The kids were screaming and my nephew was wet and my brother didn't change him so I did it and was taking care of both of the kids. Finally when my sister in law graced us with her presence, my brother started screaming at my mom and I because he was going to do something his way. I was fucking mortified. I hadn't been screamed in a restaurant like that ever.

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Basically, over the next 3 days, I was caught in the middle of this fucking terrible family dynamic. My brother treats my mom like shit but I was constantly gaslighted because I expected to be treated with respect. My mom wouldn't do anything because everything had to revolve around my brother's schedule. And she kept saying shit like... well he is my son. So I spent like 3 days trapped in a hotel room with my daughter and my mom refused to help out. But I am her daughter and she is fine to kick me and my daughter to the curb. All she does is transfer her dynamic that she had with my dad onto my brother and lets him treat everyone however he wants. She winds up the situation emotionally and then gets surprised when I am upset. We got into so many fights and she just treated me terribly. She apologized but you know.. it doesn't mean much.

The tipping point was we went out to eat and my mom insisted on driving to this place lik 30 miles away. My brother calls and says he wants to see my mom. My mom had promised me I could be home by 730 to put my daughter to bed. She comes in after the call and says we are going to the mall to see your brother... And then obviously I complain and she says she is going to run into traffic because that is the only way I will shut up. She leaves and comes back and lets me drive the rental car back to the hotel room so I can put my daughter down. She comes back to the hotel room 3 hours later and yells at me like I am wrong for wanting to put my daughter to bed and that my brother was angry that I didn't meet up. Btw, his son was like sick with the stomach flu. Why would I have wanted to expose my daughter to that yet again? We fought and she ended up apologizing but her nasty words have stayed with me.

I ended up scheduling a flight back a day early. It was fucking terrible. After 5 days of a 10 month old in a small hotel room with no help, she got really sick with a high tempeture the night we got back. My mom came back the next day and pretty much left immediately instead of offering to stay a day or two to help me with my sick child.

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I think our relationship is permanently damaged. I think my mom is always going to have a fucked up dynamic with men and treat women differently. I thought things had changed but really nothing has. And I let her in again and reinvested, which was a mistake. Now, I feel raw and lonely.

I just feel so beaten up. I am stuck in this shitty situation with my husband in the military. He has been fucked over so many times and it sucks. We have no friends because frankly, everyone is 10 years younger than us and very immature. Military culture is very unique and we don't fit into it at all. We are pretty geographically isolated too. I have no support outside of my husband. My local friends in the area from college have shown not to be real friends or at least not meaningful ones. I have volunteered with so many things on base and helped out a lot of people but no lasting friendships. I don't really have anymore to give so I am self-isolating.

I am just at my breaking point. I am not spending quality time with my daughter or really doing anything. I just feel so depressed. It is 100 percent situational. I am on an antidepressant and have been seeing a great psychiatrist. But you know there isn't a pill for a bad situation that you can't escape yet, you know?