I'm heartbroken & this is me punching all the metaphorical dicks.

So the resolution to this situation seems to be that they're cool with each other but that I'm persona non grata. At least "for the time being." He's okay to handle it himself, he says, which has borne out to be anything but accurate. This marks the 47,968th time I've been penalized for someone else's erection.

In other news, I'm hopelessly in love with someone who loves me too but will probably never say it to my face (although he's said to my best friend and to his best friend who is friends with my best friend) or come around to the idea of a committed relationship. This does not seemingly prevent me from regarding him as the yardstick by which I measure all other men. I think about him during sex with other people, which makes dating elsewhere to distract myself a very difficult prospect.

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Last night I had my first OKC date (in 3 years). Despite his insisting on the prime real estate of Saturday night, he failed to make it worth my while. He was tedious, boring, & a horrible conversationalist. He insisted on kissing me before "the moment" and continued to do so when I refused to reciprocate or actively pulled away. He actually told me to "lighten up." When I stepped outside for a moment to check my messages, he sent a text assuming I had ditched him, so I did. I have a few dates lined up that I was actually looking forward to. This being my first outing has significantly depleted my enthusiasm.

Today, two out of three of them have sent mealy-mouthed text messages in which they attempt to be graciously apologetic for the turd sandwich they've served. I want to rage back at all of them, but I know that will only serve to make things irrevocably bad. Instead I just lost it & started sobbing.