I am imminently facing my first wedding anniversary as a divorced person. Even typing that sentence sends me into tears. I have 2 close friends lined up already to have dinner/drinks with me on the day of, but I find myself filled with such dread.

I try to look on the positive side of things. I have traveled alone and with friends, I bought and am renovating a house. I go do social things. I am able to support myself. I have tremendous friends and family. I have two adorable dogs. I have medicated and therapy-ed my way through the past year and a half and have worked really hard not to just give in and live on the couch surrounded by empty wine bottles and pizza boxes. And yet.

It doesn’t help that I tried dating someone else, and he was good and kind and yet it fizzled this week, too, in kind of an abrupt and unsettling fashion. Meanwhile, my ex has been engaged for the past 6 months. I know that comparison is the thief of joy, and I try very hard to bat away these thoughts, but I feel like the loser in this situation - I didn’t want the divorce and am still so broken up about it that I cry multiple times a day, meanwhile, within weeks of our separation, he easily replaced me and found his new “happy ending” in someone who is my diametric opposite. (Whether that is true or he is as happy as it would seem is obviously something I don’t/can’t know, but that is the picture my brain keeps throwing at me). And, fuck, I just really miss him.

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I don’t know what I am asking for here. Maybe nothing, or just commiseration, or pep talks? Writing these things out helps, I guess, instead of just folding and re-folding these thoughts over and over again in my head like origami.