I totally believe Brad Paisley's songs are cooked up in a lab somewhere, where experts in social media shitstorms convene to assemble words together, in order to reduce all social/human issues in the world down to the most simplistic, narrow-minded terms possible.

There is no subject this guy couldn't take and turn it into something that sounds like a six-year-old explained it. He takes the most complex social issues and just finds a way to channel the most ignorant Fox Viewer on Earth and spits out crap that reinforces all of their small minded ideas about society.

Bear with me, this is an older song. But I don't listen to this type of music on the regular, so for me it's a 'new one,' lol.

DO NOT READ COMMENTS. YOU WILL POUR BLEACH IN YOUR EYES.

So for those, who didn't want to watch that shitty video (GOOD CALL), I've broken down the lyrics here for you.

"I'm Still A Guy"

When you see a deer you see Bambi
And I see antlers up on the wall

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. RUN, GIRL! RUN! STRAIGHT OFF THE BAT THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS CRAZY.


When you see a lake you think picnic
And I see a large mouth up under that log

Nope, not touching this one.

You're probably thinking that you're going to change me
In some ways well maybe you might

Scrub me down, dress me up but no matter what

I'm still a guy

Good gawd, he needs to be 'scrubbed down'? Is he a guy or an old couch?


When you see a priceless French painting
I see a drunk, naked girl

OMG SO MANY DRUNK NAKED CHICS:

You think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy And I'd like to give it a whirl

Oh trust me Brad, there's a lot of other shit I'm hearing right now that sounds waaaay crazier to me than riding a frickin' mechanical bull.

Well love makes a man do some things he ain't proud ofAnd in a weak moment I might walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall, But remember, I'm still a guy

Don't let Brad hold your purse, ladies. He's probably going to swap your breath mints for roofies or something.

I'll pour out my heartHold your hand in the carWrite a love song that makes you cryThen turn right around knock some jerk to the ground'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by

Brad wants all the cookies, see because while he may perpetuate all of the horrible, sexist bullshit that keeps you marginalized, he will KNOCK THE FUCK OUT OF ANYBODY who dares not recognize that Brad lords over you, OK?

I can hear you now talking to your friends Saying, "Yeah girls he's come a long way"From dragging his knuckles and carrying a clubAnd building a fire in a cave

She's saying 'he's come a long way' but her friends are saying 'You'd be better off dying alone, surrounded by a coven of angry stray cats and piles of Sears & Roebucks catalouges and half-eaten FroYo cups. Literally anything is better than this jackass. Seriously.'

But when you say a backrub means only a backrub, Then you swat my hand when I try

RAPEY LYRIC ALERT. RAPEY RAPEY RAPEY LYRIC ALERT.

Well, what can I say at the end of the day, Honey, I'm still a guy

What the fuck does that even mean? You may as well say 'I'm a hamster dressed like Mother Teresa' because that would make just about as much sense. Was he not a guy beforehand? Did the lady think was dating a gelatanous mass of energy, disconnected from physical matter or gender? 'No, see, that's not me, I'm a guy, see...' Oh. OK?

I'll pour out my heart, Hold your hand in the car, Write a love song that makes you cryThen turn right around knock some jerk to the ground'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by

Hmm, after analyzing these lyrics, I realize it's not Brad Paisley singing this song. I now realize who it is:


These days there's dudes getting facials
Manicured, waxed and botoxed
With deep spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands
You can't grip a tacklebox

With all of these men lining up to get neutered

It's hip now to be feminized

Because being 'feminized' is emasculating. Literally. Thanks Brad.


I don't highlight my hair

OK I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS. I call bullshit on the uberfamous music star, claiming that he doesn't use expensive products designed to help keep you looking younger/fresher. BULLSHIT. This motherfucker dyes his hair. At the very least, he tones it to better compliment his complexion. Fuck yeah. Don't tell me you're not vain, Mr. Married to an Movie Star. Don't tell me you don't get spray on tans, or something like it, before you do a video shoot for you latest single. Don't tell me that you don't give no shits 'bout how you look Mr. Wearing Thousands of Dollars in Clothing and Accessories on the Red Carpet. Bullfuckingshit. When you get done with your herbal sea salt aromatherapy massage in Beverly Hills before the CMA awards, LOOK ME UP SO'S WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, MMKAY?


I've still got a pair, Yeah honey, I'm still a guy. Oh my eyebrows ain't plucked, There's a gun in my truck, Oh thank God, I'm still a guy

SEE HE HAS A GUN. I TOLD YOU GURL. YOU NEED TO RUN.