For sure triggering.

So, after getting through about 23 minutes of Girlboss, I swapped over to 13 Reasons Why. I spent all weekend watching it, and I haven’t finished, I think I just have 2.5 episodes left. Today I’ve been listening to music all day—started with some 60s and french (watched Ab Fab movie :-D) then decided to listen to the 13 Reasons soundtrack while I painted.

First of all, I know it’s not all new music, obviously, but it kind of restores my faith in current music. There’s something very powerful about the music for this series. For people of all ages I would guess. I sent the link to my dad and he’s really into it, and he bemoans new music constantly.

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It’s very....makes you feel-y?

What I am interested in is whether people here feel the show glamorizes suicide as I have been reading. Now, I haven’t seen the end, so I don’t know how intense it gets in that regard. And, even though I very much enjoy the show, I think I might be falling onto the side of...yeah, it kind of does :-/

I hate saying it. I don’t really relate to the protagonist entirely, but I do in some ways. My “teen I relate to” has always been Angela Chase. But, that said, as someone who suffered from depression and self-injured starting at age 13, I relate to it in a certain way. It’s weird, it’s kind of on the surface in a way...I never really feel like I get into her head. I think about suicide a lot. I don’t want to do it, anymore. But I do think about what it means to get to that place.

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As I said, I self injured starting at a young age. I always thought I never went too far because I had loving parents. Like Hannah, I am an only child, close with my parents. So that part kind of fucks with my head.

I didn’t end up in the hospital until 28. I remember laying on a bed in a hallway, looking down and seeing...yellow bubbling from my wrists. It was fat. I had a panic attack. I was 28, an adult. While I was in the ER a young teen was brought in, she had taken a bunch of pills. And she seemed fine, just dramatic. And I hated her. Watching her carrying on while I was having my skin stitched up, I thought she was so silly. And I felt like such a fucking asshole.

I guess I am fascinated by the idea of a person who offs themselves in that way, who had never hurt themselves before. I wonder just how shocking it is to them. Because I had spent 15 years cutting and burning myself and it shocked me.

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I haven’t entirely been able to abandon the self-injuring. I don’t keep razors in my house, but I have improvised here any there. Breaking a wine bottle, using a dull pen. I thought I’d never do it again after I had a child. And now I look at him sometimes and I get so worried about how he will be when he’s a teen. It scares the fucking shit out of me. Because I know there isn’t really anything I can do.

Woooooowwwwwweeee that was a weird vent.