Sheba is better. It took her almost two days to get back to her normal self, but she was snuggling me this morning and is sitting on the couch next to me now. She’s eating again, although not as much as she usually eats. She’s drinking, too. She seems quiet, but this is how she was last time. Quiet in the days immediately after her recovery.

I’m calling her primary vet today and we’ll talk about what’s going on. If it’s a heart problem, there are drugs that can help manage the symptoms. However, the vet over the weekend said the treatment for heart disease is opposite of the treatment for kidney disease. We’re also considering hyperthyroidism for her. From my online googling, some of her symptoms fit, but she doesn’t have some of the other symptoms.

If these episodes keep coming up, I’m not sure I can continue doing this—emotionally, it’s hard to watch her, and financially it’s not sustainable. I feel bad saying there’s a cost to what I’ll do for my cat, but realistically, I can’t drop several hundred dollars a month every month until...who knows.

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She was in a day and a half of discomfort, ranging from full on meowling distress to just generally being weak. She was dry heaving so badly, it looked like she was in pain and she kind of pooped herself once. She was panting, drooling, and didn’t want me touching her anywhere. She’d puked on herself and her coat was a mess (she’s usually a very clean cat—even now, she’s gotten herself cleaned up, but that only happened last night after she was feeling better). I know she’s old. I know these are all just signs that she’s getting old; she’s dying. We’re all dying, I suppose, but she’s just much closer to it. So I need to do some hard thinking about where to go with her and this illness.

My friend/exboyfriend and I talked this weekend. He said something that seems obvious, but the way he put it was so heartfelt and made sense to my logical brain and my emotional brain: We love these animals so much, and the idea of putting them down seems to run antithetical to what we want to do for our loved ones. But when they’re in pain and suffering, the truly loving thing to do for them is to end that.