I've finally made the decision to stop stressing myself out over getting her to be EBF. I just don't think it's going to happen with me going back to work and with the mental/emotional state I am in. It's too hard on me. I looked at my husband this morning as he was getting ready for work and said "I think I am done with this." And he gave me the saddest look and said "Okay." I know it's killing him how hard I've been on myself. He just wants the old Liz back. I wouldn't mind her making an appearance either to be honest. I'm just so tired.
I think about the first eight weeks of her life. We breastfed constantly and I didn't particularly enjoy it. But I wasn't so mad at myself all the time and I didn't feel like a worthless mother all the time (just some times). Then when we found out she was underweight and the pediatrician pushed us to start bottle feeding her more and supplementing formula. It became easier to do than the emotionally draining breast feeding. I guess that's why I feel so shitty. I feel like I've just decided to take the easy way out.
I've been pumping since two nights ago and will just give her formula until she starts day care Wednesday. I've got about 20 ounces so far. And then when I go back to work I will pump as long as I am able and in the end if it's until she's 1 like I originally wanted awesome if I can only do it for a month so be it.
I know some of you have told me how you mourned the loss of breast feeding and I know I will need to grieve over my inability to do this for a while. But I think in time this will get easier. Thank you all for all your support.