I hate being depressed. It's so damn boring! And stupid! I just sit around the house all day looking at Groupthink, and as much as I love you lovely people I'd like to have people in the real world I can talk to and work for and rely on.

I could get a second job to eat up my time, but I did that for almost a year and it sucked and I was still depressed- I was just too distracted and exhausted to dwell on anything. I want to get more gigs, but they're hard to come by right now. I'm working on it, but right now nothing's happening and in my state this is depressing me more. I make an effort to leave the house at least once a day, but this feels like a stupid "whoop-de-do!" achievement. I still have few friends in the state. And I still really miss SexGod.

The most depressed I've ever been (I've had it since puberty) was in college and while it was really bad it felt reasonable. All of my spare time was spent lying in bed crying and hating myself, and trying not to commit suicide or give myself away as depressed. Now that I'm not suicidal, everyone knows I'm depressed, I'm rarely crying and only hold myself in contempt I've got all this leftover time and nothing to do with it because all my interest in doing meaningful things is gone. Doing important things like eating or applying for jobs or going to work is going through the motions for me- I'm running on survival mode until I feel happy enough to really live again, but some days are harder to live through than others.

I think i'll watch some netflix and fall asleep now.

P.s. I have a therapist. I'm on meds. I just thought that the two would kind of...protect me from having days like this again. So being depressed like this is kind of a shock (or it would be if I had the energy to care).

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