A few weeks ago, my soul was externalized, made physical, and put on display for the world to see. Many of you experienced this phenomenon, though you were not aware of my soul’s involvement in it at the time. You simply called it Joanna Rohrback’s Prancercise.

Joanna’s earnest, enthusiastic, ridiculous, beautiful, and adorable YouTube video demonstrated, with eerie accuracy, what half of the inside of me looks like. (The other half of me looks like a combination of Pam Poovey, Norma Desmond, and this cat.)

Joanna has done what all well meaning yet oblivious fitness enthusiast friends have told me is the key to getting fit— find a fitness routine that you enjoy. But as much as I love prancercise, I don't think it is the routine for me, for it is based on the movements of a horse and I'm more of a chubby, happy, frolicking seal.

Advertisement

So here are some alternatives for me and the rest of the happy seals out there...

Trampolines

When my husband wants to know how content I am, he will ask "How happy are you on a scale of 1 to Trampoline?" I have, and I am not joking, kicked small children off a trampoline in the past several months so I could jump uninterrupted by myself for five minutes. I am 30 years old. If I had a trampoline all my very own, my child would forget what I looked like because I would never come down. Not even to eat. Not even ice cream cake... Maybe I would come down for 3 minutes to eat some ice cream cake. I'm pretty sure those little crunchy things are actual crack rocks.


Ribbon Dancing

"It's called rhythmic gymnastics," you say. False. Rhythmic gymnastics requires talent and grace and ribbon dancing specifically requires that you have neither. In fact, here is a list of things you need for ribbon dancing—

1) A ribbon wand

2) Childlike wonder

3) A song in your heart

4) Grass (a lawn, field, or public park works well, I find)

5) The belief for the duration of your dancing that you are an inspiring fairy princess who has taken human form to ribbon dance in order to teach jaded mortals about the power of love

Optional items (for varsity level ribbon dancing): a tutu, a tiara, Gloria Estefan's "Reach" played on loop.


Movie Kung Fu

Advertisement

First of all, DO NOT go to a kung fu class for this. For one, they will try to teach you strength training and discipline, and why you shouldn't throw daggers at those you suspect to be from a rival dojo. The fools. And did you know that 7 out of 10 American dojos do not teach you how to fight your enemies amid tree branches? And that a whopping 9 out of 10 don't teach fire bending? Damn litigious country. So I suggest, rather than bow to the "experience and training" of the so called experts, that you just dive right in and start recreating scenes from your favorite Kung fu movies yourself. You will look badass. Start with the really impressive shit, like the Crazy 88 sequence from Kill Bill. Be sure to film yourself and put it up on YouTube!


Pretending To Be a Mermaid in Your Grandma's Pool

This one is a seasonal favorite among 6 year olds everywhere, and a particularly great option if you have long flowing hair. There are a couple techniques to make it look like your legs are a tail, but my favorite is crossing your ankles and pointing your toes in opposite directions.

Then swim around happily. It really works your core, which is good because you will be wearing a lot of shell bras in your new routine. When you have to surface to breathe (which maybe, if you do this long enough you won't have to... This has been my prayer every night for 25 years) be sure to sing beautifully.


So these are my workout routines. My Prancercise. Joanna, I would be honored to host you in any one of these options. Until then, prance on, good woman.