So, there's a cat around the corner whose personal space extends beyond her property line.

The Mr. and I were walking Dogs One and Two the other night when the little bugger came zooming out of a driveway onto the sidewalk and started making that I AM HALLOWEEN noise. Dog One was at first taken aback and then on full alert; Dog Two (highly intelligent but not very smart) was eager to investigate. The cat paused and then started charging us.

I am super protective of the Phantom Dogs because a) they are my dogs and b) they are already too expensive, vet-bills-wise. The last thing I need is them getting their noses and eyes scratched up by dirty cat claws (sorry, but it's true, ya'll) and being put on antibiotics. Dog Two is a clumsy nightmare in a Cone of Shame. Dog One is a master pill-cheeker.

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So, the Mr. took off down the street with the beasts. Dog One was happy to lead the way, having once been chased a full block by an angry momma cat out for blood after he looked at her romping kittens the wrong way. I stayed to block any pursuit and try to scare the critter off. I did this by stamping and mock-charging, but the cat was not immediately impressed. Actually, she showed signs of wanting to dodge around me and go at the dogs.

Then I had a sudden realization: There is one word in Cat that I know I can pronounce convincingly, and here is my chance to use it.

HSSSSSSSSSSSS!

That cat took the fuck off, let me tell you.

Takeaway: Everyone should learn another language.