Ok, guys, y’all know you’re not supposed to look directly at the sun during the eclipse, right? Use a pinhole in a box or legit eclipse glasses to watch. I think everyone knows that. But another, really important piece of eclipse advice has been shockingly overlooked as we approach the eclipse.

Because it’s been ignored by the lamestream media, I just want to remind everyone to never, ever buy a carnivorous plant that magically appeared during the eclipse. Just don’t do it. And I know, you’re all thinking, But HH, how will I even know if the plant magically appeared during the eclipse or if it was already there? Fair point—you can’t really know, right? So, I’ve come up with these guidelines:

1) If you can avoid it, don’t buy any plant at all for at least three months after the eclipse. Hopefully, this will be enough time for some other sucker to buy it and ruin xir life OR for the plant shop owner to recognize the plant for its evil and destroy it.

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2) If you must buy a plant within the three month window, at least please make sure that the plant is not carnivorous. Know your plants, people! If the plant appears to have a mouth, especially a toothy mouth, don’t take it home.

3) Finally, if you ignore rules 1 and 2 and find yourself at home with a carnivorous plant that you bought after the eclipse and you find that it’s droopy until it gets a bit of human blood, FUCKING WEED B GON THAT SHIT!

Don’t let this happen to you.

Please pass this on to anyone you know who’s in the path of totality. They’ll thank you for it later, I promise.