Okay, here the story is. It’s a long one. I really wanted to lay out the lessons I’ve learned and will carry on so if any of you are considering it, you can take this into account.
So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We also kind of vaguely talked about how we didn’t want our relationship to be heavily based on monogamy but we were also super nervous.
We found this married couple in our city on an app (ugh so embarrassing but whatever), they were super hot, cool and “hip.” They had a similar relationship to us because the husband was born in the US and his wife was foreign, and my boyfriend is foreign and I was born in the US. We all met up and had dinner and then went back to their house and talked for a long tine got to know each other. It was really fun but we weren’t sure whether there was a like...a sexual vibe there. We all generally talked about what we were looking for and my boyfriend and I were like, we definitely do not want a full poly relationship thing right now at least, just like a casual fun thing. They said they were looking for the same. Before us, they had a woman that they slept with regularly that they just had to break it off with because she wanted to be big part of their marriage and would get upset if they sent texts to each other and did not include her. I felt very relieved that they did not want a serious thing.
We went over to their house again the next week and were just watching a movie. Seemingly out of nowhere, the woman was totally naked and both my boyfriend and her husband started hooking up with her...in a way that kind of made in impossible for me to involved. It was definitely a little awkward and I felt left out but...it was still exciting/cool. We all planned to hang out again, but this time at our house. I was happy to be at our house instead because I was more comfortable, obviously.
So...they came over again like a week later. This time, we really all just went to our bed right away. My boyfriend and the woman verrrry quickly started having sex and I felt a little overwhelmed. Me and the dude hooked up a little but did not have sex, which was fine for me. Eventually I was like “Hey guys, could we all take a break?” because I was feeling weird. The woman was reallyyyyy putting on a show for her husband and it was a lot to take in and watch. Also, even though my boyfriend and I had clearly talked with each other about making sure we are still connected, like even just touching a little bit or kissing each other, my boyfriend did not even look at me the entire time. (I should have seen this coming because he is hyper-focused with everything in life.)
The husband texted me the next day and was like “Hey I just wanted to see how you’re feeling” and I explained that I thought the foursome was cool, but we were still working out our boundaries and how to make each other feel comfortable. Husband dude was like “Well, I just want you to know that I really want to hook up with you again.”
Right after this, my boyfriend then went away. During that time, the couple contacted me and invited me over to just hang out. I wanted to hang out with them again so that maybe I could feel more comfortable with them and wouldn’t feel as weird if we had a foursome again. I cleared everything with my boyfriend and he said he didn’t care even if I ended up hooking up with the couple.
That night, I had a threesome with just the couple and it was really awesome. Just all around a positive experience. I told my boyfriend all about it afterward and he was happy for me, but I could sense he was a little bummed that the foursome was weird for me, but the threesome was cool. (I think that has a lot to do with logistics too. Foursomes are hard.)
After the threesome, both husband and wife starting texting me constantly. To the point where I had to keep telling them that I was working and couldn’t talk. Both of them are professional people with full time jobs so I’m not sure how they had the time to text. They kept saying that they were feeling more than casual with me and this was all very emotional for them at this point, and they weren’t sure how my boyfriend would fit into it. I was trying to brush it off and responded “aw, yea you guys are great. it was fun” but it seemed like we were having two separate conversations. I was saying “Yea, you guys are great for a casual friend/hook up thing, this is awesome!” and they were saying “We have serious feelings.” I had NO idea how to handle it so I just kept being nice.
Anyway, when my boyfriend came back, we all hung out again, at their begging. They were getting ready to leave for Japan for a month, so they were like “We all should hang out before we go!” Only after we went to their house did I realize that they were trying to see whether or not they liked my boyfriend. We ended up all hooking up again, but they definitely had a different vibe to them and were wayyy more focused on me than my boyfriend. Even so, at the end of the night, my boyfriend and I felt good about it though and were smiling in the cab home.
The next morning, I woke up to a joint email from the married couple saying that they wanted to continue a relationship with me, but not my boyfriend. They were asking basically if the three of us could hang out regularly just as friends, and then maybe have sex sometimes. They said a bunch of hurtful stuff about him that was extremely superficial, aka he didn’t grow up the same way we all did, he didn’t like the same music, he didn’t know the full criterion collection (ok they didn’t say exactly this, but this was the insinuation), and basically he just didn’t “get them.” The kicker was they wrote “We just want to say: are you sure you want to be with him?” This pissed me off SO much, it is hard to explain. I showed the email to my boyfriend because I did not want anything to be secret. I wrote them back saying I think they had the wrong idea and they obviously did not listen at all when I said I DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP with them and that I not only love my boyfriend, I am as sure as I can be that he is the person I want to start a life with. They wrote me back asking me to please think about at least being their friends, and then they left for Tokyo. I haven’t spoken with them since.
My boyfriend has been super bummed by the end of this, he really opened up to them and was vulnerable. He is feeling rejected and unwanted.
Overall, it was a whirlwind. Both my boyfriend and I are happy we did it but we had talked about how if we ever explore this again, we will keep in mind:
- Be clear with each other AND the other person/people what you want and do not want, and what your boundaries are. We definitely could have been clearer with this married couple about how we really wanted to be completely casual and that we come as a pair.
- If someone is crossing those boundaries, tell them immediately. If they don’t stop, cut them off completely. Looking back, there were a few things this couple said to me throughout our hanging out that showed me they actually did not want to be casual and they were expecting something more from me. For example, one time my boyfriend did not respond to a text message from the couple for a few hours, and they texted me and said they were upset by this. Red flag.
Going forward, we will be even more upfront, even risking being too blunt/rude. I also think I preferred threesomes and would rather deal with one person.
Phew, I told you it would be long. I’m sure I left some stuff out still, any questions or comments are welcome, even if its telling me how dumb I was.