(Please don't mainpage!) Guess who's back with more insane wedding grievances! I'm here to do an update on the INSANE wedding I've been shanghai'd into. This weekend is the INFAMOUS Marie Antoinette bridal shower...

(For those not in the know, here is the last post about this... http://groupthink.jezebel.com/let-them-eat-b…)

When last I flailed at my keyboard and screamed in frustration, I had been forced to buy the ugliest dress known to man and the maid of honor was absolutely LOSING HER SHIT over the now infamous Marie Antoinette themed bridal shower. Oh, do I have updates. I do not understand how this KEEPS GETTING WORSE!

Let's start with the dress. It arrived surprisingly quickly from the department store. It also... doesn't fit. Because why would it? The zipper zips ALMOST all the way up, except for about the last six inches, because of my cartoonishly big bust. So that's fun. I'm going to a tailor next week to see if they can let it out just a little. If not, I have just no idea what I'll do.

The dress is the ugliest thing I have ever put on my body and it makes me feel like an old lady. The color is all wrong for me and washes me out. It highlights all the worst parts of my body. I feel like an ugly, dumpy fool in it. I feel embarrassed to wear it. But if that's what the bride wants, that's what the bride wants. It's a pale blush/beige kind of color. I finally got shoes for it too... because she wanted everyone to wear silver heels. SILVER. With blush and champagne. Good gods. It was almost impossible to find silver shoes that didn't look like they belonged at Studio 54 or a strip club. I finally ordered some off ModCloth.

The bride texted me, demanding pictures of me in it. I sent a picture of me in it, looking (I have to admit) pretty miserable. She asked me if I loved it. I diplomatically said it needed alterations and left it at that. Then the bride wanted to know what I was doing with my hair. I told her she could decide since it's her wedding. She said we'd have to provide our own jewelry but that she bought everyone dangly earrings so she wanted our hair up. I replied that I didn't have pierced ears. Oh my god, it was like it was the end of the world. She was so upset. After I explained that I was allergic and could not get my ears pierced for her wedding, she said I'd have to wear my hair down but I'd have to get it blown out. I have very long curly hair so I said okay, I'll get it blown out. Then she said after I get it blown out they would put special curlers in it. But... but my hair is already naturally curly... I don't... I... *brain explodes*

The other drama arose when the invitation to the actual wedding arrived. I did not get a plus one for the wedding. This upset my father greatly, who said it was incredibly rude to not give the bridal party a plus one. I don't really care so much, I'm not dating anyone so I wouldn't bring anyone, but I do think it's just.... tacky and thoughtless. My best friend Laura, who is involved in this insanity as well, also did not receive a plus one. She is single as well. My sister brought up a good, if depressing and infuriating point here. The bride KNOWS both Laura and I are single. Some of the other bridesmaids are in long term relationships or are married. Did THEY get plus ones and we didn't because we're single? I can't see the bride not inviting someone's husband or boyfriend. So did we get shafted because we're single or did ALL the bridesmaids get shafted? Just thinking about that pisses me off. If the other bridesmaids got plus ones and I didn't... I don't know why it upsets me but it does.

Now onto the juicy stuff... the crazy maid of honor and the bachelorette party and bridal shower.

The maid of honor is out of her damned mind. She has zero follow up to texts, doesn't send emails, and changes her mind on a whim. I was worried about shelling out $150 for a "sexy" cooking class but a few days after that decision was made, the maid of honor texted everyone and said she changed her mind. The cooking class she had been so excited about was now "boring" and "lame". So it was back to square one. I sat through infuriating amounts of texts. She sends barrages of texts and my phone is constantly buzzing. Some of the other bridesmaids expressed concern because the bachelorette party was fast approaching and there was NO plan.

The maid of honor suggested giving the bride the gift of boudoir photos for a bachelorette gift (how many gifts are there?! I've never heard of a bachelorette gift!). She said she had a Groupon. Whatever. It was $5 per bridesmaid. I thought it was a tacky idea, but it was also cheap. One of the girls on the group text had no idea what "boudoir" even meant. The maid of honor texted later that she spoke to the boudoir photographer and said we could do GROUP boudoir photos for an additional cost. I broke my silence and texted, no lie, "NO. No nonononononononono. No. No. NOPE." I was accused of being "no fun" but the idea was thankfully dropped.

Finally, a decision had to be made. The maid of honor texted us this weekend saying she had found a "male review" in NYC that we would go to. I found the idea really, really, REALLY uncomfortable (I'm not a prude but I just... have no desire to go see men strip. I think it's kind of gross and cheesey) and thankfully my friend Laura did too, so we're skipping that part of the night. Good thing too, it's also expensive, unsurprisingly. $25 per ticket, plus a two $10 drink minimum per person, plus covering the bride's more expensive "VIP" ticket. You have no idea how happy I am that I got out of that.

There is going to be a dinner before that event, though. Laura and I will be going to it because we have to go to SOME part of this night. The maid of honor texted everyone saying she was having real trouble getting a reservation. No shit, really? You're trying to get a dinner reservation in Manhattan on a Saturday night at the last minute. I can't believe you'd have trouble with that! She vented how frustrated she was with the reservation process and shot down everyone's suggestions on restaurants ("not fancy enough", "the bride won't like it", "I ate there and I hated it"). Then she said something that made me lose whatever remaining respect I had for her.

She suggested we all call these restaurants, give generic names like "Jessica" and "Sarah" or "Steven" and try to CANCEL OTHER PEOPLE'S LEGITIMATE RESERVATIONS so she could swoop in and book the cancellation. WHAT. THE. FUCK. At first I thought she was being overdramatic but she texted that she was 100% serious that we should do this. Of course we all refused. I was aghast. Finally she said she had gotten a reservation (but through what means, I wonder?) and told us the place.

It seems nice enough and not TOO expensive (I mean, it's Manhattan, each entrée is like $25, but that's just NY being NY). She said we'd all split the check because it was too much trouble to figure out who had what dish. That set off alarm bells in my head. You see, the maid of honor has gone to events before (like the bride's birthday parties) and not paid on the group check. At her last birthday party, she and her boyfriend left without paying for their meal. She swore it was because she thought her boyfriend had paid and vice versa but I don't buy it. A few years ago, again at the bride's birthday party (they are all fiascos) the bill came to over $1,000 because all of her friends ordered extravagant meals and cocktails and left before paying or only giving the bride $20. So while my meal at that party had only been $20, I was asked to throw in $75 to cover the bill. (I refused, I was a broke college student at the time. The bride had to eat the additional cost). So, I don't trust her friends as far as I can throw them where restaurant bills are concerned.

Apparently neither do some of the other bridesmaids, who all mentioned they did NOT want to just split the cost and cover the cost of other people's cocktails and stuff because they knew it would get out of control. One of the bridesmaids doesn't drink and said she'd refuse to cover other people's alcohol. There was a big argument about it, all in group texts. The maid of honor got VERY bitchy but the other girls wouldn't budge. So we're at a stalemate on that. The maid of honor wants to split the check equally, some of the other girls want to just get separate checks. There's been no resolution and the bacherlotte party and dinner are TOMORROW.

Fun times.

There hasn't been much more about the Marie Antoinette bridal shower. The maid of honor again asked who was coming in costume and got very little response. One of the girls apparently bought a Marie Antoinette wig. Another has a full costume. Insanity. The maid of honor claims the hair is the most important part of the look but that we should all "have fun with it". She sent us another picture from Pinterest of a Marie Antoinette party of girls in white shift dresses with beehives with loose curls. Then she said we should all wear out best "granny outfit" with big hair.

It's official that the maid of honor has ZERO IDEA who or what Marie Antoinette was. Absolutely no idea. Granny outfit? The fuck?

So, that's the update. Tomorrow is the bacherlotte party and the bridal shower is on Sunday. I'll be sure to have a hell of an update when this weekend is over. Can you tell I'm just weary of this mess now? I am so tired of all of this stuff. I feel like screaming and hurling my phone out the window when I start getting texts from anyone involved in this debacle. I'm packing right now to go up to stay with Laura for the weekend for these events and I just got more and more upset as I was packing, so I had to get it all out of me. Vent my spleen.

Thanks for listening and I'll definitely let you all know how the Marie Antoinette bridal shower goes...