I need a kiki because today is kicking my ass.

I’ve talked here about having an auto-immune disease. It’s like fibromyalgia with a dash of lupus. Yesterday I went walking in a pool, then went grocery shopping and then went with my friend to the store. The pool wasn’t a heated pool and I think that was my mistake.

Because y’all, today I am in so much pain. All my muscles are just screaming. It hurts to type. It hurts to just sit here. I walked two blocks and back to the store to get milk (and fuck me if they weren’t OUT of milk! how is that a thing!) and that’s all I’ve been able to do.

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There is nothing that makes this better. They had me on Cymbalta but it didn’t do anything for the pain and it made me stop peeing, which was super problematic. I just moved and I need to find a rhumatologist here who won’t blame everything on my being fat.

What makes this worse is that I cannot talk to anyone about it. Most of my friends know and it doesn’t matter. They just don’t get it. Like my friend who wanted me to run an errand with her yesterday. When she picked me up, she had a horrible horrible cough. Yeah, my immune system is bad and my lungs are particularly susceptible since I had whooping cough. Now I catch everything.

I HAVE SAID; I really can’t hang out when you’re sick because if I get sick it gets bad very fast, and I get sick really easily. So either she thinks I’m lying or I’m being a delicate flower.

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I’m going home to my mother’s in a couple weeks for my birthday. I said on WEDNESDAY: let’s not plan anything until we know what the weather is like, because if it’s hot we need to do indoor things. Today, she emails me and wants to know if I want to spend the day walking around Baltimore or Alexandria. First of all, I can’t walk around for more than about 15 minutes anywhere. Secondly, what did I just say?

I’m fairly sure whatever this is is going to kill me within the next couple years. It makes me sad, but I’m so tired and this is not any kind of life really. And people will be all - oh, I didn’t even know she was sick. Yes, yes, you did. You just didn’t want to listen.