3:45pm Pacific update: Thanks everyone for the great advice and internet hugs. Part of the problem was that the previous business manager left and the new one is...um...is battle axe an appropriate term? Because, yeah. Anyway, she said she couldn't approve a payment plan without the doctor's approval. I lost my shit. She talked to the doctor and called me back within 30 minutes. Good news everyone! The bill was negotiated down (they figured out some of the fuckery with the insurance drama), and I can split the remaining portion into 3 payments. If that portion gets resolved, I'll be reimbursed AND I have an appointment for 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. THANK CHRIST.

Also (other update): Thank you to everyone who has been advising me on the possibility of still being able to bring a wrongful termination suit against Captain Smithwell's previous employer and about our options with credit consolidation and bankruptcy filing. We're going to spend some time going over the resources and figuring out what our best next steps are, financially speaking.

I LOVE YOU GT! KITTENS FOR EVERYONE!

***

I'm very afraid to put this out there, because it basically shows what a loser I am (something I go to great lengths to cover up), but I'm so stressed out I don't know what to do.

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Let's start with the good news. It ended with Captain Smithwell sending me this text:

"We gotta support each other right? If one is down, the other holds it up. That's why we're a team. You're the flower that blooms in adversity. I'm the one that never loses its color."

Now, how did we get to that?

Most of this stems from my illness. Almost all the current fuckery in my life is from this stupid fucking thing that almost killed me and right now, in this moment, I'm having one of my dark, dark thoughts that I wish it had, because life would be a hell of a lot easier on everyone right now, rather than me continuing to be an albatross around my collective family's neck.

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1. Our finances are fucked. I have an insane amount of medical debt, most of which has gone into collections because we simply didn't have enough money to cover everything and most of the time, we were too afraid to ask for any help because, the few times we did (such as when I looked into SNAP), we were shamed so badly by other people in our life (mostly people saying that we shouldn't be one of those people) that we stupidly didn't go through with getting help we probably should have.

These stupid decisions have created a huge snowball effect that, even though we're getting back on our feet and can basically afford our lifestyle, we're still way, way behind the eight ball.

2. My prescriptions for Synthroid & Effexor have been denied because I haven't seen the doctor. I would love to see the doctor. The doctor won't see me until I pay the bill. The bill stems from an insurance dispute for services rendered that should have been paid by the insurance company. They didn't. Why didn't they? Because the company that Captain Smithwell worked for at the time didn't pay their premiums and didn't tell the employees. We can't afford the bill; they won't see me. These are vital medications that I can't be without. I don't know what to do. If I don't have the Effexor, I go into a pit very quickly - I get paranoid, agoraphobic, withdrawn, and suicidal. Clinical depression is no joke.

I had more points, but I can't get past these first two. My brain is a mess right now and I just want to cry. Instead I'm at work fielding fucking Christmas celebration invitations for my rich boss and other rich people, and pretending to be excited about our "surprise" Christmas party that's going to involve a lot of drinking AND I DON'T DRINK BECAUSE I'M A RECOVERING ADDICT. I try to stay away from any and all things that could be associated with how I used to abuse pills or alcohol to self medicate. Apparently that's not a good excuse and it's not an optional thing.

I just want to crawl under my desk and cry. I can't even write anything more to make sense and I have to try and get these two grad school applications done that are due on Sunday and like an asshole, I've left off getting my transcripts until the last minute again because I can't handle all this stress (3/4 of which I haven't even gotten into).