TW depression, eating disorders, sexual assault
I'm so overwhelmed and having such a hard time right now. I feel really guilty because I flipped my shit this morning just because my husband asked me to clean up around the house today. I've been going through some pretty bad depression since earlier this fall, and I have all I can do just to keep up with doing work, work - let alone anything else, include normal self-care some days. I feel really bad because my husband has been having a tough time, too. He's been having a bad reaction to some new medication and hasn't felt himself for a few months. They no longer make the formulation that he used to take, so hopefully he will be able to find a solution that doesn't make him feel sick. One of his co-workers passed away a few months ago, which has also been weighing heavily on him. I feel like such a bad wife because I haven't been a good support at all and, in fact, I'm only adding to his stress. I haven't even slept in the same bed with him for almost two weeks now because my insomnia and PTSD related nightmares have been wreaking havoc with my sleep schedule and I just end up disturbing him. He has crohn's disease, so if he doesn't get a good night's sleep, it really leaves him open to a flair up.
Recently we've started looking at homes. I realize that purchasing a home is stressful, but it has triggered some unexpected responses in me. I don't feel ready because I'm emotionally not at a spot where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I feel like I'm wasting my life and that I have somehow failed because I haven't done many of the things that I set as personal goals for myself. I feel like everything is starting to snowball and that I'm kidding myself when I say I have plenty of time to still achieve everything I wanted to. I'm not getting any younger and I eventually want kids, which is the next step we've planned on after settling down in a home. But, I've recently relapsed into some more serious eating disorder behaviors and I feel like I'll never actually recover long enough to even get pregnant. I also want to go back to school, which my husband is supportive of, but I can't even get past the application process without falling apart. I have so much anxiety around the statement of purpose/recommendations. I nearly failed out of undergrad and had to take a leave of absence because I was raped and was afraid to leave my room. I'm afraid I won't get any good recommendations because I pretty much just flaked out entirely and I never know what to say in the statement of intent when they ask you to explain any gaps in your education. Basically, instead of getting anything done, I just spiral into reliving the whole experience and then eventually end up bagging the whole thing. I tried explaining this to my husband, and I know he is trying to be supportive, but he just doesn't get it. Like, he tried citing one of his friends, who failed out of undergrad because of his depression, who went on to go to a top law school and is now a successful lawyer. I know that I would probably get into the program of my choice, it's not that. I think he doesn't get that it's more about how debilitating it was to be raped by a TA in my small program and feel like the education I paid for was stolen from me along with my virginity, confidence, and sanity. I feel like I graduated so vulnerable and couldn't even face any of the people who could have helped me further my education/career. My husband says I just need to have more confidence, but I don't know how.
Gahh, I don't know. I'm sorry, I know I'm totally rambling, but I just don't know. I don't want to be depressed anymore, I wish I could kick this eating disorder, and I wish I could feel proud of myself for once. I feel like if can't turn myself around, I'm going to regret my whole life and in the process ruin my husband's life, too. Anyway, I need to stop wallowing in my own self pity and get some shit done around the house at the very least.