Like, way over with different parents; learning to drive at a reasonable age; finishing college, but not taking out loans; not getting married and having a kid (two things I never wanted! Why did I do this?)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting off learning to drive because it would just be so easy to drive away from all this. I mean, I'd never abandon my kid. And I have so much student loan debt, I don't think I'd make it on my own, ever.
Student loan debt... not a good reason to stay married. Also, staying married until I can drive is not fair to my partner.
Now, I don't think I want a divorce. That would destroy me. I just want to start over.
There's another man in my life, too. We've been friends for years and years, and I'm a little bit in love with him. I think my husband tries his best, but this person is better at it. We don't live in the same state... I worry that if I see him again in person, I'd do something I shouldn't. I can't drop him as a friend, which is what people have suggested to me before, because he's is my BEST friend. And I tell myself that even if I had chosen that person over my husband, or if I left my husband for him, I'd destroy that relationship and that person, too. Just like I did my husband.
My husband used to be a great, kind, patient, caring person. He tries to still be all those things but my depression has ruined him. He rages when he never raged before. He throws things and he's never thrown things before, slams doors that have only been slammed by me in the past. It's all my fault. My depression's fault. I'm barely hanging on, and so is he.
I'm working on my depression. I see my psychiatrist for the first time next week, and I'm scared. I don't know what to talk about. I don't know who I am if I'm not depressed or drinking or eating disordered. An empty shell.
So, I fantasize about starting over. (Not suicidal, just want to begin again from scratch.)