Him: Your [sic] cute. I'd like to know how deep your beauty lies.... How smart you are.... Where you can take me I haven't been before.... What kind of adventures excite you..... If your feeling that special feeling - if your [sic] thinking "maybe...." then visit my page. I don't want to miss "the one" if you are her! - [name redacted]

I check his profile. He is looking for someone to move with him at least part time to a part of the country I hate. He hates cats (I have a cat and it is noted in my profile). And other various red flags / annoyances.

Me: [dead air / no reply]

Him: [2 weeks later] Hi. STILL interested - You seem different that most of the girls on Cupid? I wonder what I am picking up on? Do you have any idea? In any event I would like to learn more about you and, of course, I can be a bit of a mystery to unravel myself (in a good way). If my profile looks fun to you get in touch. I don't want to miss "the one" if you are her! - [name redacted]

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Me: Well, let's see here. I don't know why you're interested because I am NOT slender, and you state a clear preference for that.

Also I'm not sure what you mean by, "I want to let you know I set the age counter on Cupid off by 10 years" - does this mean you are 53 posing as 43?

You seem very self-centered. You want a woman who fits all your requirements. Well whoop de shit. I've got my own requirements and they involve knowing the difference between "you're" and "your." I'm not terribly interested in Arizona; sorry. My grandparents lived there, as does my Aunt, and I've been there enough times to know that it's not for me. I'm open to moving somewhere other than Current City, but a) I just moved here for work and b) if I could choose to live anywhere in the world, it would be somewhere in Europe and c) if I were to move somewhere to be with a partner, it would be a place chosen by both people, not just 1.

I have a cat. Have had her for 10 years. Am not giving her up for some dude; sorry. I made a commitment to take care of this animal when I took her in off the street. I think people who give away their pets because it's inconvenient are pretty terrible. It says right in my profile - had you bothered to look - that I have a cat. I don't even meet your own self-proclaimed standards so why the heck are you contacting me? Had I been interested, I would have written back.