I’m scared of this. Of you.
More scared than I am of anything.
Because I like you. I am in like with you. I might even be in love with you. But how do I know? How can I know? How can I know anything?
Because this will go wrong. I don’t know much but I know this.
If we became closer I would hurt you. And if I didn’t, then you would hurt me. You would hurt me more than any person I have ever met. More than my dad hurt me every time he told me he didn’t want me in his house anymore because I was such a trouble. When I laid my head down in the dirt, resigned. Because tomorrow he would be calm again, sober again and I wouldn’t be a trouble this time, I wouldn’t fight.
You would hurt me more than my exes did when they made me feel like I expected too much of them. When they made me feel like I judged them, without ever saying a thing. When I stood on a pedestal that they built, speaking in a voice that they gave me. But I never spoke and then they would kick the pedestal out from under me when I failed to live up to their great and horrible expectations.
You would hurt me more than when I would become afraid of the judgement and feel like I was less than other people, something akin to a dog.
Loved and cherished.
Complimented and praised.
Kicked and my snout rubbed in whatever thing I did wrong.
To prove that I was wrong.
Asking me why I would do such a thing, why I would ever do such a thing. But I was no more than a pup, quivering and whimpering, frozen and unable to understand why I would have done something so terribly terribly wrong. How could I?!
You would hurt me more than them because I know you are a good person. Because I know you to be kind and sensitive and honest and good. Know that you will play no games and give yourself openly to me.
And I would wreck that.
Because I would be insecure and fearful and give you the best of me -what I think is the best of me- expecting and accepting nothing in return.
I would be tired, so tired of giving my best. You would try and try to do what you could. But I would know that you could never do a thing for me. Because if I let you, if I accepted you, if I’d allow you to even try, you would give it everything you had. Because you are kind and I am hollow. And you would kill yourself trying to fill me up.
You would not know what you did wrong as I backed you further and further into a corner until you would see no other option than pushing back.
You would wonder what happened to the kind and easygoing person you met, who held you when you were sad, made jokes to cheer you up and carefully, fearfully opened up to you. Who sighed with relief when you understood and cried and laughed happily when you were kind. You would wonder where I have gone, why I have retreated, how long ago it started and how it could be that you hadn’t noticed before. You would wonder why I did.
And it would be because I was afraid. Afraid and confused. I would not tell you that I have practiced this my whole life. That I have given freely only to pull away.
So I know that I know and I do not tell you. Don’t give you a fighting chance to lighten the burden I place only on myself. But you don’t know. You can’t know. That I am hollow.
So I will push you away. Only so you cannot hurt me after I have hurt you.
I will do this to you and you to me.
But I so greatly hope, that this isn’t how it will actually be.
This is a piece I wrote to deal with that sense of fear over the future of a relationship. When you find yourself in that great place where there is only amazing opportunity and the dark side of your brain is telling yourself that you might as well ruin it now, before you become fully invested, because of past hurts. Luckily we’ve only gotten closer together! So yay to that(I’m wondering if I should show him this, but I’m scared it’ll freak him out with it’s drama. Although I did just spend the last hour editing this piece with him sitting right across from me. He knows of the existence of this piece :P)
ETA1 : edited it after some awesome improvements from the great Ofermodig after a request here on GT for feedback. Thanks again so much! I thought I’d share the finished bit :)
ETA 2 : edited it further after some great feedback from EisenBolan!