Due to the fact that Mr.TenInch is going to be having very serious and invasive surgery next month, we have decided to go down to the courthouse and sign the paperwork so that we’re both legally protected should the worst happen. But we still want to have the wedding that we’ve been planning for next year.

This is leaving me with some pretty complicated feelings of guilt on all sides of the matter and I just need a place to flesh them out and maybe get an outsider’s perspective on it?

On the one hand. When we first got engaged, before any of these medical issues were even on the horizon, I read an article about how women who want “real” weddings after having civil ceremonies are just selfish bridezillas who want a pretty pretty princess day so they can be the center of attention and they’re NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT. So. This is making me feel like if people knoooow that we have had a civil ceremony, they will see our wedding as attention seeking and gift grabby. I don’t want to complicate the matter of wedding planning with this extra layer of potential criticism.

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On the other hand. I feel very weird about “getting married” and not telling my family or closest friends. It feels disingenuous and deceptive.

But at the same time, this doesn’t feel like actually getting married to me. This isn’t our public declaration and celebration for our family and friends. This is just a piece of paper that will allow me to make medical decisions for him, and will allow him some peace of mind that his mother won’t come swooping down as his next of kin and try to muck things up. We’ll be legally bound, but it won’t feel like we’re married until we stand up in front of our loved ones and say our vows and have a big party.

So I dunno. Those are all my guilty feelings and I can’t figure out if I’m being selfish and obnoxious or what.