Yesterday I had two gigs. The first one was an amazing art modeling job with one of my favorite artists. He paints me honestly, which means sometimes I get unflattering belly blobs when I'm hunched over, but at the end of the day I feel beautiful- blobs and all.
The second gig was for a family friend's book release party~ that one didn't go so well. Half of it was my fault (I wasn't as prepared as I should have been and forgetting to eat made me even more loopy), but the other half- the half that left me in tears, was a teeny little thing that was out of my control.
Along with the staged reading of some of his work we did a short promo for a vodka company that was handing out drinks at the event. The two other girls and myself all had to put on shirts from the company and say witty things off the cuff and it was weird. The guy in charge of promoting the brand was there looking for new product models and he immediately pounced on the other two girls offering them jobs on the spot and completely ignored me while I was standing right next to them. He literally turned his back on me. Now I'm sure they definitely deserved it considering they were more prepared than I was, but it struck a little hard with me because the two other girls were...much thinner than I was. They had long straight hair and light skin. The shirts they gave us were all small and while I fit it looked a lot tighter on me than it did on them. To be quite honest, while it was possible for the man to have chosen them because they were better than me I'm pretty sure the whole promo model thing rests very much on how you look and I just didn't fit the role.
Anyway, that was (unfortunately) the thing I latched onto in the evening—not how I got to see all the other models I'd done a previous shoot with (where I was also the biggest girl at the shoot), not how I got paid, not how I will definitely get hired back because I didn't do a bad job at this gig...but how this one dude snubbed me because I'm too fat and black to give away free vodka. Oh yeah, and one of the male models who saw me was like "Korra, so great to see you!!! You lost weight!!!" which, since I haven't (I think I gained), sounds like "Korra, so great to see you!!! You're not as fat as I remembered!!!"
So my question to you GT is...what do you do when you feel embarrassed about your body? It's hard for me to talk about because I'm not considered that big in the real world, but I still feel like a blob monster sometimes- especially in the performance industry. How do you not eat your damn feelings?