Inspired by the Victoria's Secret post on Jez just now, I had the misfortune of clicking on the website to take a gander at what the company is displaying for their Lingerie to Love collection (I guess?). I don't shop at VS because expensive, and because I am of the belief that showing up naked to sex is just as good as showing up in a fifty-five dollar babydoll that gives me the illusion of being pregnant or twelve.

Anywho, as I was looking at these models I couldn't help but feel that their poses did not really scream "sex me!" so much as a mixture of IBS, confusion, and "it's that time to make an appointment with Dr. Chiropractor".

Where am I, says this sexy bride? Or, perhaps, who am I? Maybe she has a headache, or maybe she is disappointed to learn on her wedding day that you're the one she's marrying, and she was kind of hoping that if she read Beauty and the Beast enough times and was nice to you, you'd suddenly turn into George Clooney.

She is hung the fuck over and has an itchy thigh. Leave her the fuck alone. If you don't get her a jack and coke in five seconds she is going to strangle you with lace.

There's something to be said about bodies and lines and how this makes a good photo here, but I am not Tyra Banks and I am mostly concerned about the crick in her back. Christ, crack it, woman. Crack it.

The dog has shat on the floor, again. And she knows she's going to be the one to clean it. Again.

A performance of the daintiest toilet sit.

This model has an itch on her ass and only a large mirror can scratch it.

"One bunny ear over the other? Am I doing it wrong?"

If she stays in this pose long enough, eventually someone will just have to kiss her.

Do you find these poses sexy? I mostly think they're quite silly, but not in that way that makes you think that they're also in on the joke. There's something quietly earnest and seriousness, as serious as you can be where you're actually shilling out a toilet paper square's worth of lace and expecting the buyer to shill out a big 'ol Franklin.