But not concerned enough to do what I "should" do. Oh, self-loathing! Oh, dead fish!

My health sucks. I have been having problems since my last fainting spell this weekend. I nearly had an episode today, but I was able to control it, so it was just a pre-syncopal episode. My heart rate went down to 40, and I was having all kinds of palpitations for hours. I know the cardiologist would have sent me to the hospital and then taken my license away again. So I didn't go to the hospital.

But then something really scary happened. I thought "well, I don't really care if my heart stops."

Wat.

That's not okay. I'm having horrible, horrible, scary thoughts about myself. I hate myself. I hate everything, and apparently my sense of self-preservation is broken today. I wouldn't drive out of concern for other people, but not for myself. Unlike George Bailey, I didn't save my brother's life. He'd be fine.

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No, I'm not going to therapy. The last time I did when I was in a similar mental state, I had an all-out mental breakdown, and really, suicidal ideations that were much worse. My body rebelling was the trigger this time, but there is an underlying issue right now that I'm just straight-up not talking about. It'll go away after Christmas once the person goes away.

I'm also upset that someone misunderstood something I wrote months ago and commented on it, and now I feel like a giant piece of shit, because I'm not a bullshit sexual violence "ally" and would never victim-blame to prove a point, and now I kind of want to say "fuck it" to that work that I do. Which is stupid. And is over a misunderstanding. It's just bad timing for a misunderstanding. I'm a survivor and would never dream of making a point by hurting someone.

I just hate everything. My health, my job, where I live, the people I know, that my boyfriend has disappeared, ME...everything. Mostly myself.