I'm a pretty high-strung person, but many coworkers are fooled into thinking I'm unflappable. In general, I'm pretty good at not reacting visibly to annoyances while I'm in the office. The past week and a half or so, my temper has been short in general. I'm constantly steaming, and I've been pretty sarcastic and huffy at work. THIS IS NOT GOOD. Get it together, Jenna!
I should clarify "sarcastic." I'm always sarcastic. But I make people laugh. Right now, I guess "sardonic" is a better descriptor. I deal with a lot of bullshit at work. It's my job, really. A bullshit-keeper-in-liner. It's my job, I know it's my job, but the level of bullshit is rising lately. And for every increase in bullshit, my tolerance decreases tenfold. It's an exponential loss of patience. I didn't have a ton of patience when I went to work YESTERDAY, but today, I ran out of all of my fucks.
I look forward to my lunch each day, because I can drop my fake sunny facade and just shoot the shit with the people I eat with. They're friends of mine outside of work, and we talk about current events, politics, religion, and taking down the patriarchy (okay, feminism). Rather recently, a very sweet and friendly girl started sitting with us.
I'm an asshole. I don't like her.
She's VERY nice. I can't deny that. She's also very intolerant, very conservative, and very easily offended. Well, whatevs, I can stop using the eff word at lunch. Sex is offensive? Well, cool. I can understand how that isn't appropriate conversation to have at work if people can hear us. Oh, talking about Pussy Riot is offensive? Eeee. Okay, yes, they're provocative. But that's the point. We'll just talk about that before you sit down. THE DISCUSSION OF STATE REVENUE IN CO FROM THE SALE OF RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA OFFENDS YOU ENOUGH TO STORM OFF? I'm sorry, I've got nothing there. (Also offensive: that we don't think public schools should be administering corporal punishment.)
I can't! I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable with what I talk about. I can hold this shit until I get home, but you know what? I like to shoot the shit with my friends during the work day. It makes my bullshit job easier to go back to when I have a half hour to vent about whatever with my friends. I can't figure out why she sits with us if every fucking thing we say is offensive. Friday, the conversation was about Christian romance novels and shopping for bridesmaid dresses.
I've been excusing myself from lunch lately because I feel like such an asshole. My stress level is going up and up, which I don't think is coincidental, and it's affecting my focus with job tasks. This makes me angrier at my job, and I have a greater need to vent...but. But but but. And so it cycles. And then I start feeling antagonistic. I keep fantasizing about talking about how I think pot should be legal and complaining about gay marriage bans (being gay is WRONG!) but not because it's what I believe and want to discuss (I DO), but because I am antagonistic.
I came almost all the way unhinged at lunch today. I hit boiling point with my job, I couldn't let out steam, and I stalked around the lunch area just trying to find a place I could sit by myself. I scared about twelve people with my expression, went back to my desk in an even worse mood, and dropped my water bottle.
Guys. I did something super mature at that point. I whipped my Babybel cheese at my cubicle wall. From kind of far from my cube. In front of people. I just had a fucking temper tantrum like a five year old child. I did not behave like a professional lady in a professional office. I can only think of one other time I lost my temper, and it was about a decade ago (I threw a pen at the all), and I'm mortified. I ended up leaving work early and telling my boss I'm coming in late tomorrow, as I clearly need a fucking time out. I want to shout at her "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US" a la Gretchen Wieners, but it's not unreasonable to tone down my conversation for polite company.
But it's more than that. I don't want to offend someone who is offended by gay marriage? I'm concerned about offending someone who is more offended that I told someone to go fuck themselves because he called Iranians towel-heads? GFY IS MORE OFFENSIVE THAN TOWEL-HEAD? Why do I care to the point that I'm pretending I have no opinions?
She's not the issue. My job is stressing me out is the issue. But she's involved in my issue, and even if I WAS going to antagonize someone for the hell of it (I wouldn't do that), it wouldn't be at work. I mean, is that the best solution? Pretend not to have opinions? Besides my lunch-people, I have almost nobody else here to talk about liberal things with!
I need suggestions on how to deal with this if this is in fact a permanent thing. My anger can't be that high. I did deep breathing after my outburst, and I guess it's time to practice minute meditations again, but this is unsettling.