It's been a while since I've posted about my stupid health shit. Because! I haven't had problems with my stupid health shit in a while! YES! But. I had an episode yesterday. And then I had chest pain for like a goddamn hour. I captured EKGs, which is all they'd do if I went to the hospital (I'm a pro at this, it's cool) but then I remembered when I was in for the embolism, how it was chest pain that made them do the CT scan to begin with. So then I freaked out, which made the chest pain worse, and I had a nice pain/panic cycle until I decided that it was most likely due to me spazzing, and took some Ativan. Chest pain went away.

So today, I am forcing myself to take it easy. I have to do laundry, and I decided to make some curry in the crock pot. I was in the kitchen and on my feet for long enough to chop an onion and measure my shit and to make some cocoa...and nearly had an episode. My vision is off.

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I've conditioned myself to retreat when shit acts up: most people respond with OMG GO TO THE HOSPITAL, but that's not necessary or desired by my doctors, so then it sounds like I am talking about it just to get a response, since I then have to spend time reassuring whoever I complained to that I AM FINE, but if I'm fine, why bring it up? And then, if I say anything to my roomie, suddenly she has the same thing going on, but worse. It's fucking insane, and I really can't handle it.

I'll call my cardiologist's office tomorrow (maybe) but he's going to take my license away again. I don't need it to be taken away. I won't drive if it's not safe to, the end. I can't even begin to deal with the idea that this could be my reality again...the episodes and pain, I mean. I'm now 100% sure that work is what makes it worse. I hate my office so much, and I have been physically sick from the stress of being there. Stress affects my episodes. (Also, my ability to react to symptoms is different if I'm in public vs at home.)

Do you know how active and fun I was pre-embolism? I was in an adult kickball league, a flag football league, and was about to start playing dodgeball. I can't do ANYTHING anymore. I can't sit at a goddamn desk for eight hours. I can't go for bike rides or long walks. I can't go on trips. Zipline tours? Lol. White water rafting? HAHAHAHA.

I need good thoughts/encouragement/jokes/funny shit, please?