My mother always told me to go to the hairdresser with makeup done and wearing good clothes or they'll give you the haircut you look like you deserve, and it's been frighteningly accurate throughout my life. Whenever I've gone and have been a messy - either rushing from work or having slept in or still drunk from the night before I've ended up with a hairstyle that would suit a bedraggled person.

I think makeup is the same. I love makeup, particularly good makeup. I have a hefty collection of it, too. On days when I'm well put together I get treated like gold at the premium cosmetics counters, but on days when I'm not so glam, I get treated like a complete idiot. At the MAC in Covent Garden in London, so a pretty fancy area, I was treated so badly once that I, ever the asshole, said "haha oh my god you don't know who I am, do you? I LOVE going incognito," at which point the awful salesperson started to treat me like the celebrity she thought I was.

This week I went shopping and needed to pick up a few makeup bits. I had a good time at the Clinique counter in Debenham's but then made the mistake of going into the Bobbi Brown store. I needed to buy a new blush and a bronzer, not be educated thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, even though I apparently looked like I needed an education

Anyway, this woman kept talking at me really slowly and saying things like "THIS IS BLUSH. IT GOES ON YOUR CHEEKS" with a big, fake, patient smile. Then "you really need to consider wearing more makeup", with the same smile. Then, "this is bronzer. It goes on the face. You use a brush."

She kept fucking doing this and as I'm not as patient as when I was younger, I ended up saying "I know where blush goes, I'm not an idiot. You don't need to educate me." Because what the fuck!! Also, even though she was young and beautiful with nice makeup, you know what she fucking did to me? She put the blush on me in these terrible lines jutting up my cheeks. It was horrific!

But apparently that was the makeup I looked like I deserved...

Humans, seriously. Don't do that.