I spent NYE alone. As I did last year, and most of my 40-something years. I’ve always been fat and ugly and socially awkward and non-popular. I had a few good ones in there, but mostly the holidays are a reminder of what I don’t have in my life.

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This year I tried to do something about it. I invited new people to do things. I threw parties. I tried to make friends. When I invited, people came. Sometimes lots of people came. But no one invited back.

So it’s NYE and .. nothing. No texts. No calls. Most of my friends and family are married or in relationships. No one thinks of me at all. I spend about 90 percent of my time alone.

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I’m going into this year knowing that it will be a hard one. The doctors think I have cancer, and it’ll be a fight. Part of me really wonders what I am fighting for. I don’t really matter to anyone, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m very tired.

I’m sorry this isn’t a happy rah-rah go 2017 announcement. Sometimes I just need to say things out loud. Thank you for listening.