I’m sorry for my rambling, poorly written rant. I know these are relatively minor issues in the grand scheme of things and I feel like I shouldn't complain. I know I am really lucky. I just needed to say all this somewhere and I've never been good at sharing my feelings in person so here it is.
I feel like I've spent the last two months in a bubble. Things are happening around me, I interact with other students, professors but everything seems muffled and at a distance. I almost feel like I have been watching my life rather than participating in it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love what I am studying and I love my program but I've never felt so isolated and lonely in my life, even when I was in my early teens and was suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression. I had friends then, a core group of really close friends that I could talk to about anything.
Things are different now. I feel my depression returning and I don’t have anyone to turn to, I don’t have a friend to go out and get coffee or a drink with on a Friday night. Everyone tells me that it’s only been two months and it won’t last, that I’ll make new friends soon. It really doesn't feel that way to me now though. I don’t feel like there is anyone here I can connect with on that level. Maybe it’s me though, I don’t know. I should say that I am a very social person, an extreme extrovert but I just can’t seem to connect with the people in my program. I like everyone and talk to them at school and all but none of them seem like someone I could hang out with or tell details of my life to.
I've been trying to blame everything on the Mononucleosis virus hanging out inside of me because I study infections and they make sense to me but I don’t think that it can explain everything. In fact I know it can’t. I recognize these feelings and I am terrified of the times they remind me of. I spend a large portion of my teens dealing with pretty bad depression. I went on antidepressants when I was 16 or so and they helped tremendously. The other thing that always helped me though was being around people who could make me laugh and would take my mind off of thing. The reason I am so scared this time is I don’t have that right now. I still have the pills but I’m not sure they are going to cut it alone. I feel like I should say here, I have a boyfriend who I live with (Ubertrout for those of you who don’t know), he is wonderful and amazing and I love him like crazy. He is also my best friend in many ways and I know he’s always here for me but sometimes I just need some friends to talk to who are just friends. Also Uber is an introvert (as I’m sure a lot of you know) and I know he doesn't like going out and doing things all the time and I’m totally ok with that now (it took me a while) but I NEED to be out and around people and I just don’t have anyone to do that with and with my current state of mind I’m not sure I know how to go about finding those people. I miss my friends like crazy
It’s sort of a chicken and egg scenario. I’m not sure what came first, the depression or the loneliness. I know I can be hard to be around when I am dealing with periods of depression so maybe I give off a vibe that keeps people away. Or maybe the depression is coming from the loneliness. Who knows