I can’t say that I’m surprised about anything I’m encountering during this process. I was pretty well informed of the variability, individuality, and odd shit grief encompasses. But knowing something and experiencing it are two different things.

Some thoughts I’ve had:

*Grief is forcing yourself to stay awake well past exhaustion, with any distraction available, just so you don’t have to lie in bed alone with the reality of your loss...Even though you’re well aware you’re only postponing the inevitable.

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*The weirdest thing about grief is that the world around you keeps moving even though yours just ended.

*Everything feels like the wrong thing to do. Like, I feel weird “liking” things friends share on Facebook. Like, it’s too trivial under the circumstances. But disengaging from the world feels weird too (not to mention isolating). So I end up doing this weird mix of both and neither feels quite right.

*Your subconscious takes a while to catch up to the new reality and will present you with dreams in which the deceased is still alive.

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*You’ll discover which people in your life are genuinely caring people and which are not. Some will be exactly what you expect but some will pleasantly surprise you.

*Facebook fundraisers apparently aren’t available for Canadians yet and that’s a load of shit (I wanted to do one for the MS society).

*This is probably 100% personal opinion, but flowers are kind of a terrible gift for the grieving. They’re a bright, attention-grabbing reminder of something terrible. And in the cases of grower’s bouquets, they just require extra work. I don’t hold it against anybody and I appreciate the gesture, because flowers are the tradition. But I’d personally prefer a casserole or whatever that saves me having to cook when I’m feeling too down to want to do anything.

*Having a compassionate, understanding boss is an invaluable blessing.

*Life doesn’t let up just because something terrible happened, especially if you’re a single parent with no close friends and no family in town. And that’s really fucking hard.

*Services can be really important. My mom didn’t want one, not that I could afford to travel to it anyhow. And I didn’t think it would matter all that much to me. But it does. There’s a lack of closure that I think would be helped (though obviously not 100% solved) by having a service of some sort.