Since i turned 25 a month ago I've been doing a lot better professionally. I've gotten a lot of auditions and some good feedback, and I'm starting to write seriously again. My personal life however, still sucks... And I'm feeling guilty about it.
See, the problem with me is that I have low self esteem and feel like unless I'm at the top of my game emotionally, physically, etc. I have nothing to offer anyone. This has kind of been reinforced by recent events with my ex roommates, exGod, and Sokka (especially Sokka). Even though they probably didn't mean to, even though I know in my head that this is probably not the case, I feel abandoned. Like I was dragging them down with my awfulness, and while I'm angry that they left I understand because they are better off rid of me.
This makes it hard to feel confident when going new places or meeting new people. I feel like until I'm fixed up enough I shouldn't have that responsibility of a deep friendship or romantic relationship. My therapist says this is a lie I'm telling myself, that no one is or will ever be perfect and getting out of my shell will be good for me, but it's so hard to shake that guilt and fear. I feel so guilty for burdening others with my presence in their lives...
Which makes it weird that I simultaneously have this feeling of craving intimacy. It doesn't even have to be a romance (which is friendship, just special). I just want to connect with someone...
... Which is also confusing because there's this girl who hangs out at work that I have a bit of a crush on. And lately I've been wondering if she's returning the feeling. I thought she was straight/ mostly straight, so I had figured it was a silly fantasy to like her, besides she's always a social butterfly and I find it hard to get any alone time for us to just talk. I know she's also broken up about an ex, and I know she at least likes me as a friend because she texts me sometimes and asks me to hang out after work or come see her in a show. But yesterday she came in and I was crying at work and she gave me this hug that lasted for a long time and she rubbed my back. She told me it was ok to feel sad about Sokka, to let myself feel sad. And then our faces were really close and she was still hugging me around the waist and I looked away. I think she kissed my shoulder that night, and once we were sitting together and she put her arm around me and squeezed my thigh.
I'm confused... If she was a guy I'd be certain she was into me, but I don't know much about girls and flirting. Maybe she's just affectionate with everyone. The first time I met her she acted very casual and familiar with me, so maybe that's just who she is. She knows I'm bi though, so I don't understand why she would do that with me unless she thought I didn't like her at all and is clueless about these sort of interactions or she is just toying with me... She doesn't seem like the type to toy with people.
Do any of you GTers (esp the LB ones) have any advice or insight into what this girl is up to?
Does anyone have ANY idea what to do about ANY of this???