(Please don't yell at me for joking about killing my cats. If/when I actually do kill them, then you can yell at me.)

Our oldie is peeing all over the basement. We've added more litterboxes, we've religiously cleaned with all the enzyme bullshit, he's visited the vet where no medical reasons for this behavior were found. I've praised him for using the litterbox. I've corrected him when I caught him about to pee on my brand new entryway rug. I bought and deployed an anti-stink bomb. NOTHING IS WORKING. In fact, as you can tell by the entryway rug note, he's expanded his repertoire from the basement to the main level of the house. And I'm feeling beaten down by it. It's exhausting and infuriating and I feel powerless.

The younger cat, who thank goodness actually prefers the litterbox, woke me up at 4:00, clawing the shit out of our carpet this morning. He's also used our brand new furniture as a scratching post. We trim his nails regularly—I don't even understand what he's trying to sharpen! And of course we have multiple scratching posts, made of multiple materials, throughout the house.

We just bought our house in April. They have never done this stuff before. WTF is going on?!

At this point, I almost want to send them to a kitty motel for a week, just to get a fucking break from them. And I've never felt like that with any animal I've ever had. I've had dogs and cats my whole life and I've always been a model pet mama. But they're killing me!

Not my actual cats, in body... in spirit? Maybe: