I need some encouragement/reassurance/funny things right now.
Yes, related to health shit, I'm sorry. (NCS for background, which isn't terribly important to know.)
I'm having surgery on Friday to implant a loop recorder (internal EKG). "Surgery" might be too strong a descriptor, but that's what the surgeon called it. It's a procedure. It's short, and I'll be under conscious sedation. Potentially awake. I say potentially because I know plenty of people who still go under with such sedation.
Lovely Wax-Tadpole has been helping ease my concerns and a pretty specific fear I have. Now, it's not really a logical fear, but neither is it unfounded.
The only time I've been under any sort of anesthesia was when I had my wisdom teeth out. I was 27, and I opted to be knocked all the way out. While I was under a combo of ketamine, Versed, and fentanyl, the oral surgeon went into my pocketbook, took my camera, and snapped two pictures of me. My eye is open in one of them, but I'm not awake. Even if he'd asked "is this okay?" I was DRUGGED AND CAN'T GIVE CONSENT. I don't know if they thought I'd think it was funny, but it wasn't. I didn't know about it for a few weeks, because I didn't take any pictures to upload right away. It was a very unpleasant surprise.
The police in the area said nothing could be done, but a police officer family member of mine was looking into some federal property law, and I started writing the dental board, but that was also right when I found out my ex was cheating on me, so it took a backseat. But now it's at the forefront of my mind.
I do not at all logically think my surgeon is going to violate my space or trust in any way. I can't get this out of my mind. My nurse case manager through my health system and my insurance company's assigned social worker have helped me come up with a way to give the doctor a heads up without being accusatory: "I'm nervous about sedation because I had this experience in the past, and I just need some reassurance because my mind keeps going there on account of being nervous."
My second issue is that my mother is making me nuts. I told her she doesn't need to come out here because I'm 33, and will be off work for half a day, sleep through the weekend, and back to work on Monday (hopefully). Yes, there's a possibility that I'll be kept overnight; it totally depends on how low my BP gets. She doesn't need to come out here to watch me sleep. That stresses me out. We worked out that instead, she and my father will come after the new year when my father gets more vacation time.
I called her last week to tell her the surgery was scheduled, and she was like "SIIIIGH I thought you'd ask me to come out." I told her I thought we'd discussed it and settled on February. She said she can come out twice, and despite the fact that I do not want this at all, I was basically like "fine, but I'm just going to be sleeping."
She started playing the usual martyr card, and got so angry and snippy at me, leaving me near hysterics, but also highlighting WHY I DON'T WANT HER HERE. Did her mother come up for any of HER surgeries? NOPE. Did that make my mother a bad daughter? Apparently not. I might have called her a "fucking martyr" while talking to my father today, and I've NEVER used the eff word around my parents. I legit don't remember if I caught myself before saying fucking. My father didn't know about half of the guilt trips she's laid on me since June. He's now annoyed with her on my behalf, which I didn't mean to happen.
So now I'm upset for so many reasons. I don't want a foreign body inserted into my skin, I don't want to be sedated, and my mother is stressing me out, and that's fucking unfair, and I'm getting more upset as time goes on. I'm avoiding calling her, because if she starts this shit, I'm not going to be able to handle it.