Hanging around "feminist spaces" is turning me into a terrible, cynical person

Some people may have noticed that I've been making some posts on the main page that are pretty obnoxious and seemingly thoughtless (even by my standards!). But truthfully, they're not thoughtless at all. I know exactly what I'm saying, and I know exactly what the reaction to them will be. I'm actually looking for that reaction, for a very specific reason.

There's something about me that a lot of you probably don't know: I actually vacillate a LOT about whether I actually consider myself a feminist. Not because of some desire to not be seen as "one of those humorless feminazi bitches," but because of how disillusioned I've become about it over time. When I first really plunged into feminism back in college, I was pretty naive and ignorant about systemic injustice in general, but became totally ardent about and dedicated to social justice issues in general. But over time I started encountering the racism, ableism, and transphobia in feminism, and when I really started investigating and seeing the extent of these problems, I became VERY disheartened.

It really knocked me on my ass! I mean, here I was reading all this shit people had to say about why the way they were treated was not okay at all, and I was like "fuck yeah, right ON!" But then I would see these same people turn around and try to rationalize things that were harmful to say, trans people, and it was like "...wat." I really couldn't process how someone could be so fucking outraged about their own mistreatment by society and then turn around and do the same thing to another group of people - the oppressed becoming the oppressor. And the thing is, it's not even remotely a I kept seeing it over and over and over again - especially on Outrage Central, i.e. the Jezebel main page - and there's no way for me to not notice it. For several years now I've been railing on Jezebel about trans issues and watching people trip over their own dicks trying to rationalize transphobia, missing the fucking point even when it's explained to them in terms they ought to be able to relate to. But deep down, it doesn't work. They don't want to change: they want to stick to their preconceptions because they don't give enough of a shit about trans people to bother changing.


Over time, this turned me into one cynical bitch. Where I once saw truth and beauty, I only see hypocrisy and petty, self-serving tribal politics. I used to see social justice as people trying to do the right thing. And I still do, to a certain extent. But now to me it seems more like people bitching about their own mistreatment by society and not really giving a fuck about the subtle nuances of other people's oppression. In other words, doing the right thing, but in a way that seems more self-serving than selfless; doing the bare minimum to combat the cognitive dissonance of one's own privilege and bigotry.

Which brings me back to why I say the shit I've been saying. For lack of a better term, I essentially say it to troll. I *want* to see people get pissed off by it. Not because I want to piss people off, but because I want to weigh their anger against the utter indifference they show towards other things, like trans issues. I want to see how fucking enraged they get about some subtle twist of language, and think to myself "hey, where was this outrage when Jared Leto was saying obnoxious shit about trans people, you hypocritical shitbag?"


As sad as it sounds, I do it because hanging around feminist spaces has made me hate people, and I want reasons to justify my hatred of them.