Advanced Muggle Studies is back, and we’re starting Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets! This week, we discuss: animal descriptions; Albus Potter is an asshole even when he’s not around; things have gone to shit when you miss Draco Malfoy; the Harry-Dudley relationship; why Americans fail to grasp the subtleties of pudding; BAD DOBBY is good at time management; Vernon, Petunia and Brexit; what exactly was that Japanese golfer joke?; child abuse on Privet Drive; Weasley serenades outside windows; German vs. Scandinavian elves; racial implications of elves; add Christianity and it becomes all about the Devil; Grimm’s Fairy Tales and Dobby’s clothes; American slavery meets Gosford Park; beasts vs. beings; internalized slave identity; Ben Carson can go fuck himself; implied world expansion; why Fred and George are the SMARTEST PEOPLE IN THIS SERIES; Malfoy misdirection; wtf is a warlock anyway; Mr. Weasley identifies with Dexter and Walter White; also, his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid; Professor Creed is a secret Weasley; Kitty Forman, Molly Weasley and fierce motherhood; a wild Ginny appears; Professor Seraphine is being Muggle-baited; and please join us in singing our new Advanced Muggle Studies anthem.