Advanced Muggle Studies has returned! This week, we discuss: why Pepperup Potion makes wizarding secrecy unforgivable; the Ghost Post; the souls of parchment; Sir Nicholas’s unfortunate history with teeth; the aptly named Argus Filch; things we learned from Jonathan Franzen; Filch’s bondage fetish; wizarding informercials; Austin Powers and magical erectile dysfunction; why Squibs matter; the prejudice book; what Nearly Headless Nick and Lockhart have in common; smoldering salamanders; how Corpse Bride could break Republican hearts; Hermione needs to pee, goddammit; Moaning Myrtle; why people are so anxious to excuse Draco; psychopathic escalation; why the fuck did we elect Lockhart; being a wizard doesn’t change things when you hear voices; the symbolism of the Chamber of Secrets; J.K. Rowling fixed the most annoying plot hole in the most interesting way; generations of wizards complicit in Tom Riddle’s rise to power; why the morally inept don’t care until it affects them; Christian symbolism; Percy’s suspicious mind and terrible metaphors; what Hermione and Tom Riddle have in common; Team Edward and Lockhart; more useless adults; misogynist bicorns; the lost art of insults; get the Snitch or die trying; poor Dobby, poor Colin; and how useful it is when villains utilize graffiti.