EDIT: Thank you guys so much for the help and advice- I've got an action plan for today (after I get a couple of hours of sleep) and some great suggestions for shipping stuff in bulk overseas. You guys area all amazing and wonderful, and I'm so grateful to be part of this community. Please take all of my love. TAKE IT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

Welcome to another Fat Caterpillar adventure, where this Fat Caterpillar gains 10 (yep, TEN) kilograms in the six months leading up to her wedding and then needs to quickly lose them IN TWO MONTHS WHILE ALSO PACKING LITERALLY ALL OF HER BELONGINGS AND MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY WHILE ALSO PLANNING A WEDDING THAT IS LIKE TWO MONTHS AFTER SHE ARRIVES IN HER NEW HOMELAND AND…

I am having a mental breakdown, and this is what it looks like. Seriously. I need help, I need tons of help, I need someone to come here and tell me what to do and how to do it and dictate my every move. I am all for independence, I HATE following instructions, but when my closest friend came over tonight and asked me to sort clothes into keep/maybe/give away piles I had an anxiety attack that involved a lot of rocking back and forth while scratching at my arms.

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It's January 28th. My flight leaves for Australia on February 3rd. My room is a DISASTER, I haven't even contacted my mum's partner about going through my stuff over there, and I have no plan to get my valuable items (books, music boxes from my dad, collectibles from my mum, etc) from California to Australia.

I can't sleep because I'm so stressed, but I'm also paralyzed with anxiety. Here are the things I've done so far in the last 25 days since I quit my job:

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Watched the first five seasons of Law and Order: SVU, watched nearly every episode of Doctor Who (from Eccleston to Capaldi), eaten approximately 600 rolls of Fruit by the Foot, consumed at least three jars of Nutella, drunkenly tried to force my friend's anti-social and extremely mean cat to love me (that resulted in a lot of blood and some serious marks that are going to leave scars), piled a lot of stuff on my bed and said "I need to decide what to do with this stuff", and spent a lot of time looking around me from my bed having some major panic attacks about what I'm going to do with all this shit.

Before you guys say "It's just stuff, you can always buy more stuff", I know. I'm not worried about clothes or replaceable items, I'm thinking more about the things I can't replace- books my mum gave me, the music boxes my dad gave me each year for my birthday, photos and gifts from my grandparents, the scrapbook I made for my mum's 60th birthday, the Christmas ornaments my mum collected for me throughout the years. Those things can't be replaced, and I want them. I want to keep them. I want to be able to give them to MY kids someday, providing that's a thing that actually happens, which at this point doesn't seem too likely.

I'm paralyzed with anxiety. I don't know what to do, because it seems like there's nothing I CAN do. I'm pulling an all-nighter tonight, hoping that I can kick my body into some kind of normal sleep schedule tomorrow, but I'm not getting anything done. Instead I've folded my body into a piece of human origami on the tiny sliver of bed not covered in crap, and I'm freaking out about my lack of organization, my lack of responsibility, my lack of self-control.

Sorry I mostly come on here to vent, guys. As soon as I'm settled I want to be back on, I want to interact, and I want to stop being selfish. I miss GT, I miss all of you, and I miss the laughs and support from this community.

Thanks for listening to the agony of this Fat Caterpillar, especially since it's entirely self-inflicted.

PS: Found the PERFECT wedding shoes. Finally got the money to purchase them. They've miraculously DISAPPEARED from the Betsey Johnson website, except on the home page where they're used IN TWO SEPARATE PHOTOS AS ADS. Not just the style, but THE EXACT COLOUR SHOE I WANT. When I emailed them, I got an email back saying that "sometimes things sell out quickly and I should keep checking to see if they make more." Brand. New. Shoes. The day before EVERY size was available. Now I can't find that shoe in the colour I want ANYWHERE. I FOUND MY SHOE AND NOW IT'S GONE AND I SWEAR TO GOD THAT IS A METAPHOR FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE RIGHT NOW FUCK.