What do you call it when someone has less-than-zero game? Because that’s me. I was at the grocery store today and the cute guy was running the register. (He’s the one who looks a bit like Jax Teller.)

He made a joke to start, and I didn’t get that he was sorta flirting/being nice to me until I was almost out the door. I think I saved the encounter, because we did make eye contact when he handed me the receipt.

But seriously, though. Now, I’ve been single for a right looooooooooo...oooooong while. I keep to myself because I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years. I don’t even know where I want to be in 5 years. Like, I might want to be in Canada. On a different coast. Or I might want to be right in my hometown that I cannot seem to escape. Maybe I want kids and 5 years is all I have? Who knows? Not me! I’m a mess with such things. Why subject someone else to such baggage?

Recently I’ve been rethinking my stance. For reasons. A) boys can be distractions, 2) distractions can be fun; D) Who says I have to pick just one boy? $) Companionship makes people stronger (i.e., life can be better with a buddy). I signed up for online dating services, but haven’t been on a single date, because I give no one a chance. There’ve been a couple guys I chatted with, but never went anywhere. I know I’m a ball-buster. I’m cold and give no one the benefit of the doubt. I’m a tough cookie to win over. I realize this even more clearly after today’s encounter.

I fell in love hard and fast back in college, with the first cute boy that came calling. He was from Washington state (!) and so exotic, and sweet, and nice, and had the finest ass of any human being I had ever seen in real life. And then he went back to Washington state and our fling was over. I hadn’t realized it was a fling, but that’s what it was. I hated feeling duped. I haaaated crying over a boy. He wasn’t actually worth it. His friend Grady told me he’s pretty sure the guy was gay, anyway. Not sure if it’s true, but it could be. I told myself right then and there that I was not one of those girls to cry over a boy, and I haven’t since. It’s easy, since there haven’t been all that many.

I hate being vulnerable, but that’s what a relationship is. I hate letting anyone see any inkling of my genuine feelings. I’ve built a pretty solid facade, so nothing can hurt me. I do the hurting, and no one bothers to come around. I’ve mentioned before how Sleeping Beauty is my favorite fairy tale/Disney movie. I have shut myself away in a tower, surrounded by barbs and danger, and no one has bothered to try to get through it. I haven’t given any encouragement, and now I’m realizing that I’ve forgotten how, in real life.


So how do you flirt? how do you let yourself relax and let someone know your intentions? It’s been so long since I’ve done any of this, that I think I may have completely forgotten what meagre tricks I picked up in college (which was longer ago than I care to say). Now I’ve picked up a sandpapery feminist exterior, too, which makes it worse! Help me, GT! You may be my only hope!