Ok, so a little while ago I made a post about the weird shit my housemate, C, says, and kind of alluded to her boyfriend, K, who is a complete arsehole. We had a huge house argument about him recently, and, after 3 weeks of him living with us, not paying any rent and waking us up every morning by lumbering around like a socially inept deaf elephant, apparently he is finally leaving. For how long I don't know, but if there is a god, it will be for good. For reference, S is my other awesome housemate who is confident enough to consistently sass K. I wish I had her bravery.
I therefore feel, while I'm still seething about some of the things said in the discussion, that this is a perfect time to share some of the golden turds that have come out of his mouth. Please bear in mind at all times that this is a 30 year old man, dating a 20 year old, who only graduated last year and is now an accountant. Admittedly he's at a top firm, but most people tend to live in the cities that they work in, and not hang out with a bunch of twenty year olds instead of work colleagues.
-'What are you doing for your dissertation, Floreat? ....Placentas? Fucking hell, do something less boring and more useful for society har har har.'
-When referring to C, any variety of the following: 'Princess, Sweetie, Little One, Sexy, Sugar, *wolfwhistle*.' Always in front of us.
-After a window had been broken in my room and the landlady wasn't happy about paying, K: 'Floreat, just with hold your rent! You're perfectly entitled, they're not upholding their end of the contract!'
Me: Fairly sure that could get me evicted.
K: No, honestly, believe me, I know about these things.
Actual lawyer in the room: Floreat, don't with hold your rent. It will get you evicted.
-'Women can't have it all, same as I can't have it all. There's no point bitching and moaning about it, just suck it up and accept that not everyone is the same.' (OH THANKS WHITE MAN WHO WENT TO A £30,000 A YEAR PRIVATE SCHOOL)
-'What is he? Some kind of dirty Turkish boy? Hahahaha.'
-*Looking at a roast chicken C has just cooked him* 'Oh, well at least you tried, Little One. Next time just ask me if you need something cutting up.
-Me: I'm going to apply for the [[tech firm] graduate scheme.
K: Oh don't bother. They're awful, they fire their bottom 50% after the first year, it would be a waste of your time.
Me: I've been working with them for a while now, and I don't think I'd be in the bottom 50%.
K: It gets a lot hard and a lot more techy.
-'Don't bother with a masters degree, S, it would be a complete waste of your time.'
-'Don't worry about getting a job, Sweetie, you know I'll fund your masters degree!'
-K: The washing machine is broken, it's been broken all week. It can't be fixed, it needs replacing.
S: Oh you should have said yesterday when my dad was here, he could have fixed it.
K: No, Sweetie, honestly, I already looked at it, and if he'd starting fiddling about with it, it would have made the warranty void.
S: My dad is a water engineer. He designs the cooling systems for nuclear power stations. He could have probably fixed it.
-*Walking into our house, and looking at a small pile of washing up* 'God, you guys live in a complete pigsty. Come on, Sweetie, I'm taking you somewhere decent to eat.'
-Me: I'm nervous about my interview tomorrow. I've never wanted a job this much.
K: *knowingly* If you're not nervous, you don't want the job. This proves that you want the job. That's what I always say.
Me: Yes. I am aware that I want the job.
-'[Insert rape joke here]'
-'Floreat, do you want me to help you with your CV? You'll find it easier to get a job if you get some help.'
And, personally for me, just because I had to listen to my mum ranting about it all evening, the worst of all...
-Me: S has been accepted onto that HR scheme! She's done really well!
K: HR? S won't be able to do that. You have to be organised and she's really messy! Plus she's too nice.
Me: Well she's always been able to run the rifle club just fine, and that takes loads of organisation. And you can still be in HR if you're nice.
K: No, you have to do some really nasty stuff.
My mum (dropping me off for uni, had been there 10 minutes): Oh no, that's a complete myth. I've worked in HR for 20 years, and it's really more about business strategy and communication, along with organising payrolls and timetables and things. Firing and making people redundant is a very small aspect.
K: Oh no, really, we looked into it, didn't we Sweetie? Honestly, when you get into the big boy leagues it's not like that at all. I research it, love.
My mum: *Eyebrows raised, lips thinner than I've ever seen them ever*
There's about a million other awful things that I just can't remember right now, but he never fails to enrage. Sorry for the terrible formatting. How do you get bullet points? #useless #i'msureKwillknow
EDIT: LITERALLY RIGHT THIS SECOND - 'These flowers have seen better days, princess. I'll buy you some more tomorrow, anything you want. Nothing's too good for my little princess.' FUCKING EXCUSE ME I'M TRYING TO EAT MY DINNER AND YOU'RE MAKING ME BE SICK IN MY MOUTH.