I don’t understand how people stay in relationships. I’m 34 and haven’t been able to have someone stay in a relationship with me longer than 9 months. What am I doing wrong that others aren’t?
I’ve been single for most of my adult life. On a previous post about how I was scared to spend the next months alone, I got a lot of good advice on how to stay busy. Thing is - I’ve been doing ALL those things for the last 10 years. Doing hobbies, things I enjoy, odd jobs to keep busy. But when it comes to relationships, I just can’t... I dunno, keep people around?
I’ve been through therapy, all the yoga, trying self care, etc - I’ve dealt with my shit - and I see plenty of people who have never dealt with their shit be in seemingly happy relationships for the long haul. What is the secret? Did I miss “how to be in relationships 101" as a kid? I’m not the type to go from one relationship to another - I have a hard time finding guys that want to date me. I’m average looking (a bit on the heavier side, but that’s never been an issue on the attracting attention side) I’ve been told that I’m independent and thus scare men away because I have my shit together... but then I get dumped because even though I have my shit together, yes, sometimes, I have feelings and get upset and I try to EXPRESS those feelings so that they don’t get all bottled up and explode into a vat of depression and “can’t get out of bed”-ness.
If your feeling a whiff of “life is fucking unfair”, yup, that’s what this is. Part of the problem is that I grew up a bit blue-collar working class and my circle of peers is considerably NOT this - mostly privileged cis white folk (like myself). Where do I find people who might understand my pain without me imposing my cis-white privilege self into spaces that is not for people like me? To get a little perspective and feel like the world I inhabit has some people like me in it - people who seem to get the shit end of the stick a lot of the times in some capacity (for me, it’s relationships) without being a dick imposing myself in spaces that aren’t mine.
I promise, I’ll stop posting so much. Many of my friends are away this weekend so I’m trying to survive. Plus it’s Father’s Day- so a lot of people are busy with family. My father is a dead-beat who left when I was less than a year old... so it’s a double whammy shitty day.